::: Withdrawals ::: (never finished)

I wrote this a while back when I was feeling down. Anyways I was looking at it and decided to post it anyways. Well here it is.

"Withdrawals" is what he said
the word hit the nail on the head
not sleeping in the same bed
gravity of reality, full of lead.

The reality is my head is on fire
everything is ok .... I'm a liar
looking for the extinguisher, yet I'm blind
hands tied behind my back in life's bind.

Looking for answers and all I find are signs
Directing to new doors and their long lines
All I need now is the courage to get on it
Pray I choose the right door and move away from the pit.

Yet I lay in my bed like picked flowers
Seconds turn to minutes and they to hours
No water to keep me alive, no sun or fresh air
time keeps passing and my petals just disappear.

Looking for some energy to move on
however I can't get passed my lawn
but it's now or never not whenever

Figuring it out ... i think

The clouds are clearing up as the puddles remain of what is left of the rain. I'm starting to except the reality and understand it is ok to feel this way. Everything has its reasons despite if I understand it or not or if it's a good or bad. So new roads I will find and new doors will open as old ones close. This is just a new channel line up for me and it will take time for me to get used to everything but I will be ok. As ths is a process I'm going through I still am looking for answers to most of my issues hahaha yup issues that I have.

I wish there was some way to reset my world and see if things would be any different. Would I be happier or worse off then now. Of course if it's my destiny then I'm fucked ... Well just stuck here.

So I look for tomorrow as I hope rays of good things to happen but my faith isn't with my prays as I have been let down far to many times. I don't want to get hopes murdered again so I wait. What will be, what will be.

No control over myself :(

"You decide how you feel if you have true control over yourself", my boss said today. That would make me not in control according to that theroy. If you think about he has a point. You cat dies and your depressed over it, it is because you decide to feel sad. Now it may be justified but at the same time it is because that is what you decide to do. You will get over it over time because some point it doesn't bother you and you decide it's okay to move on. This is a very tricky and has a fine line because it can be taken the wrong way.

This makes me think about me and the way I'm feeling these days. I have allot on my mind that is pulling me down and I can't help but feel I'm near a spiral. So I take what my boss says and try to see if I can take control of my thoughts and feelings. It's allot harder then I thought it might be. My best friend told me that her therapist told her that it is okay to feel however you feel and not bottle it up. So if I take control and bottle up my feelings then in one sense I took control but in another way I'm stifling my true feelings.

So as always I hit the brick wall of blah with no where to go. Frustrated is an understatement as I feel alone with this bullshit. :(

::: Static in my Head :::

Static in my head
I'll never understand my bed
a place to relax and rest your head
no rest here just he said she said

The truth hurts
the lies feel great
I dream of flirts
reality is what I hate

They all seem lost
yet I feel the worst
my eyes show the cost
place my pain in the hearse

They don't understand
I can't open up the way dream to
the fear surrounds me like sand
water is down to a drop or two

hallucinations are all I have left
happiness gone, call it theft
the devil enjoys my pain
my heart is full of his rain

Static in my head
I'll never understand my bed
a place to relax and rest your head
no rest here just he said she said

channels of confusion plague me
shades of gray closing in
color in my soul fading, hard to see
hope is hard to find so how do I win?

nice guys finish last said the loser with wit
throwing in the towel now
why be last when you can just quit
flipping the board on all for now.

This leaves me with forks in the road
courage and confidence at rock bottom now
write how I feel with sadness to be sold
true smiles, emotions and tears I will not allow.

Catch me if you can tonight
with a true emotion on my face
for that is me in the light
the real me not the bullshit mace

::: I :::

I look
I listen
I Feel
I taste

I want
I need
I pray
I hurt

I destroy
I love
I beg
I dream

I wake up and all I show for it all ... nothing
Lost in this endless loop of confusion
Frustration is tattooed across my mind
My life is nothing but one distorted illusion.

I'm Back

So it's been a while since I've been here but I would think it was because so many positives have happened in my life over the negatives that I put this on the side. The reality is I'm back here because so the negative is sneaking back to me, well not that great of sneaking due to the fact that I know it is back. Is it depression or just confusion I do not know but I do know that I'm not feeling right. I feel like I took 10 steps forward on the escalator of life but the switch was reset and now it's heading down.

I wonder why things happen the way they due or why things can seem so right when in fact it feels like it was a facade. Real or not I'm falling back into this slump that I felt or thought I have moved on from a few months ago. Was it there the whole time or was it really gone and now just back. To try to figure that out is like figuring out which color was first picked for the American flag. Does anyone really care or would it really make a difference????? No you would;t. The question I have is why now?

Things were going well and i think they still are. That being said I'm still annoyed and lost when it comes to expressing myself. I try but with out question I hold back. Why ....LOL Who knows I just know it sucks.

So my frown inside is starting to resurface and my hands still look on for me as I feel blinded again as the sun settles again in my life. So the weeks ahead of me will be the new maze of the life I lead but I will do my best to get to the end before I fall apart again.

I'll be back to check in and as I see the road looks complex enough to for me to pull over to one of the save places I know. Here :

Lost in a Forest of Helplessness

So I sit here with thoughts flying through my head. Love, hate, anger, excitement, fear, confusion, hope, confidence etc etc. Uncertain of tomorrow I continue to walk forward with fingers crossed and blades of life at my back. I try to make sense of everything and I can’t. More than once have I tried but it only makes things worse. Like reading a description for a book I want to read it but it gets so over my head I’m forced to close the book which is me. So as always I’m stuck and it is not a good place to be to break down at with no help for miles and the only light I have is from the moon that pops out of the clouds here and there.

If I look at the cup half full I would be lying to myself of the obvious that does surround me, some by choice and some not. So like a realest I look at the cup as just a cup filled half way and see the pros and cons. Unfortunately seeing everything is not anything to get excited about since it doesn’t solve or tap you on the back for what is. So what are these issues I talk about hahahaha I couldn’t speak let alone write them because of how I’m wired, they are locked away in my bottle and resurfacing them all would only do more damage than help. Yes I’m sure some would argue with that fact but I know from experience that it is good to talk some of the time but not all the time. I have to make certain choices in life and these are some. Others might ask than why write this if anything it sounds more like a cry for help or an invite for others to ask how they can help. To answer that I see this as more as a personal therapy and a way of me letting out enough to me going to the next day. Call it self medicating or something like that because all I want to do is let it out a bit so I feel better and it helps me open up more. There was a time when I never let any out so I guess I made some progress over time.

As I write this I feel many things around me are changing and some are more drastic than others. Trying to keep an eye on all is like a security guard watching 200 monitor screens … pretty much impossible. So let some run their course while others I stay focused on even those I shouldn’t be. So as I watch, I wonder and think 10 steps ahead of possible ways these events will play out but more so than not I believe the issues will not get better, if anything more complicated. So the stress continues and there is nothing I can do about it just yet.

Fact one is I’m too nice and as a result I hurt and screw myself yet as much as I know it I continue to do it. That’s my weakness and I have to find a solution to fix it. This is where I feel lost in a forest with no hint of direction to take because all I see are trees all around. As I told my BF I feel at times like I’m walking and making progress when next thing I know is I’m back to where I started and all that so called progress was just one big waste of time …. My Time. Do I give up? Nope I continue to walk and this time I’m tying strings to keep me conscious of the path I’m taking. I would hate to bag track so I think I might make some progress this time. If not I’m fucked and will have to go to plan F. Plan F is where I grab everything I can fit into my car and just drive and drive. Say good bye to the world I know here and start fresh somewhere else. “Why are you running away from your problems?!?!” Why you ask? Well because they are problems and issues that the only way I can get away from them would be to run away from them. I have no energy to fight anymore and especially having the internal battles in my head with my emotions, thoughts, etc.

So much more to say I just don’t know how  I’ll be back later - KM

What if ????

So I sit out here and wonder
what if I would have stayed on the path
what if I would have done what I supposed too
what if, what if, what if is all I ask now.

Would the fucked up life I lead now be happening if I would have stayed in the world I was brought up in? I look around at all my childhood friends and see how they have families and friends and overall seem happy. They are successful and are buying houses in the near future or already own one. That's right own not rent. Of course the grass is always greener on the other side but I have been on both sides. I know what life is like there and I find myself wanting both which is 99% of the time impossible. Was I happy back in the day? Yes I was and everything was falling into place yet I walked away from it. Can I blame it on my marriage? My career? My life style? ....I blame it on me because it was choice to do what I did.

Despite the change I found many great things that I do not regret. Meet may amazing people that really affected my life and much appreciative for it. That all being said I still not happy, I mean happiness comes in doses for me. If I'm hanging out with good friends enjoying life or accomplishing something amazing but over all inside a sad face rests inside me. I try to remain happy when I do get happy but like a broken tracks I easally derail but as the person I am I act if we haven't and tell all those aboard that everything is just fine.

Back in the day I had true happiness or was it that I was to young to know better? I don't know but what I do know is complications just keep rising up on me and make confussed and frustrated. Which way do I go what do I say to whom? Am I honest with them or do I lie do I tell you one thing and another something else? Maybe I can get away with it once or twice but to keep lies locked up eventually will burst out and make the truths questionable. Every day I look around monitor the life I live and question if this is the right one but then again it could be worse .... or could it?

So I sit here writing this as if it may change something when all I'm doing is passing time. So I question myself as why write in the first place .... I guess because keeping it locked in is no picnic and this helps let it out a bit so I can breathe more inside. Sounds good enough for me I hope it does for you.

So I conclude this mess that I have to just continue leading the life I live and see where it goes. Sacrafices will have to be made and people let go and new people brought in. Changes in my routines and my actions will have to adjust as I try to emerge better then I was yesterday. Will this be a bitch? Hell yeah but what can I do I have to do this for the long term.

Later - KM

::: Good Night Walls :::

I sit here again with them watching me
I look back and we acknowledge each other
They know me for its it’s obvious they see
I know them for we have much in common like a brother

The difference is I can get away and they can’t
They need to be entertained while I can find it
But the reality is we both have the same common pit
The same fear that I hide from and they can’t

What is this evil thing I speak off
What could I possibly have in common with them
The answer may sound silly or what not
It’s the walls around me that share this bruised spot

It’s the loneliness & quietness
For them it’s natural but for me it’s sadness
So I deal with it and go with it from day to day
It is my life and for now this is the price I pay

So I look at the walls and share this common enemy
Yet as much as we have in common it doesn’t help any
I retire tonight with much on my mind & share it
Good night walls, Talk to you later in the morning light

::: The Life I Ride :::

It’s funny how time can fix the broken and break the right

Make things that were into weren’t into what is that that wasn’t, was

What you thought you figured, totally nosedived & the unexpected become reality

Make you believe what you once thought as impossible, possible & visa versa.

Things have changed to a point, I question my eyes

I pinch myself to make sure I know what I see

I now have a hard time being me

Who says me is the real me and that we are we

Are we who I thought we were

Are you who you say you are

Of course they are or are they

This is game I see us play from day to day

Like a turtle in fear I back my head in

Watching the world from a safe location

I analyze and can’t help myself

Placing the what was yesterday back on the shelf

How do you trust your eyes when they see the dead end

You reach and see it’s not so it was a lie your eyes did send

So who do you trust if not yourself, your eyes, your heart

Sounds like paranoia yet this the paint I see, my reality art

I continue from day to day to try to understand what is

Do my best to avoid what isn’t and what can’t

Watch everything I say in order to keep the peace

Let old dreams fade to the side & unrealistic hopes cease

Life isn’t easy we all can attest to that through experience

Some have it easier than others as a result of luck or hard work

I attempt to stay positive and let the experiences of life school me

Take all that I learn both positive and negative and reinvent me

So I step back and let be what is

Watch it unfold and pray for the best

Stay out of the way but monitor as best I can

For this like everything else will show me what to ban

This poem like my life is real deep for me and speaks so much

I want to understand it and go deeper under the inside

See what the problem is and learn how to fix it with a touch

Watch out for the wave of reality, the life I have, the life I ride

The Game I Call My Life

It's funny how life leads you through many different sunsets and we find ourselves sleeping under one roof but waking up in another. Like lab rats we think we know what were doing, hunting through the maze of life looking for the food that we crave so much. Yet as we reach the ecstasy of what we believe is the food that will fill our stomachs from the hunger we are stuck with. The next day we are placed in a new maze and we must look for that fulfillment all over again.

To me it is one vicious cycle we are stuck in that individuals like myself just want to be free of it. I don't know how except I find myself being placed in more complex mazes that are filled with new obstacles that I could not imagine. Yet I make it through with scars and shortness of breath. Each time I sit down and reevaluate what I have done and shock myself but I continue with my head held high. However at each start I feel less and less confident as the trigger is pulled. My head weighs more and more and it cause strain in my back as I try to keep my head above.

So what is there for me to do? Honestly I do not think I can do anything because just like a lab rat I'm placed in a cage at the end of the day. Oh the frustration I feel, the thoughts that haunt me ...they are stuck in the cage called my head.

I will just deal with it as it is and play with the cards I am dealt. I know I can't win and the hands I do are just fake money that means nothing once the game is over besides some temporary satisfaction.

So I stand alone in this corner called my life and wait my turn to place my bets and show my hand. With hope out the window as reality shines through i will play the game and keep my sportsmanship as strong as I can. I invite you to sit down and play a game with me as I know these games only last so long and it is only a matter of time before I'm out of chips. When that time comes i will with all the best, bow and walk away with the memories from the card table.

Let's play ;)

Pressure

The pressure has been building up and I continue to fight this up hill battle. The fact is I'm fighting to stay afloat and every time I feel I'm getting a break and things start working out I get a kick in the ass or a reality check that now is not the time for me to shine. That is fine I guess .... No it's not it frustrating as hell and making me crazy.

I know there are people that look at me and see me as a failure, chump or whatever but the reality is I feel it bothers me like crazy. For every step ahead I think I'm taking I'm just fooling myself in a sense. I don't know anymore, I just want to be ok but I can't help to think that why should I be ok when so many others are worse off than I am.

My parents are frustrated with me and just want me to move forward but the rut I'm in is holding me back. It isn't that I don’t want to move forward it’s just that I being held back by this horrible economy. I want more than anything else to successful and for people to look at me as a success especially my family. I always felt like I could not reach the approval of my closest people around me. No matter how successful I felt I have been it was never enough. I can’t help but feel these things will haunt for a while and hopefully not forever.

So what the future lies ahead of me I don’t know but I am concerned because the window of my future is closing. I need a solid career and if this doesn’t work out it will fall apart … well I will. I have waited so long to just move forward with my life not because it is what I should but because I need it for me. So I try to stay positive and tell myself it will be ok but I know there is no guarantee. I can hope and pray but who knows what future lays before me. Ugh.

So leave this blog because it is only frustrating more and more and I hate it. I will do my best to move passed this though I’m not sure how at this point. See you all soon on a better day.

::: Missing Her :::

I miss her and it seems like it will be forever before I ever see again
I will wait because even if there is a slim chance it is worth the wait.
She is one of a kinda and miss the hell out of her and Skype doesn't fill this void

Their is this empty space inside me with out her
she would make me laugh, smile, cry and straight out act a fool
but now I have to accept the fact she is away far from me

I can only get small douses online but ugh
I need my friends close to me
closer then a keyboard and a face on the screen

How much longer must I wait
I'm not one who can be alone
I need those special people around me

Any who it is what it is
I can't change reality but only dream
Life will be take its course & I hope it includes me

~ Missing you Megan ~

::: Dear KM :::

Dear KM

Wake the fuck up!

How many simple mistakes you make when anyone else in their right mind would have been gone a long time ago. However KM is KM and everyone knows it and KM generally makes people more time happy than not. Am I saying KM is this great guy? I’m just saying I’m bored … no make it sick of the KM I know. The KM I know hurts and feels pain, is to nice, lets himself be used and what’s left but the tear in his your eye. People may call you things throughout life but the one thing I can’t let them do is destroy you. I just want you to come and hold my hand as I guide you away from this all. Start a new life one that doesn’t burden you with all these issues. I write you a poem because I care and because that is just how I do. Don’t just read but believe it KM.

.........................................................................


What are you doing with yourself?
Why do you think the way you do?
Why do you love the ones you love?

It’s a joke because I’m living in a world that isn’t real
I feel things I shouldn’t feel
I do things I shouldn’t do
I care about shit I shouldn’t care about

Yet I continue to be the KM that everyone loves
I can’t stand the fool you have become
I can’t stand how blind you are
I hate the way you just deals with the bullshit

I write you this letter because I care
I want you to see what I see
See the truth that is out there
Not the clouds of the picture you weave

Your looking pathetic and I beg you to stop
Safe yourself from heard ache and future pain
Just wake the fuck up and put you on top
At the end of the day it’s you verse the rain

You know what you have to do
Do your best and take those steps
Readjust your sites and focus on you
Life will only get easier when you focus on you

Look around and you will see what I am talking about
You will see how life can be stress free if you listen to me
I tell you this only because I love you, that I don’t doubt
However this is not for debate you must focus on “me” and not “we”

I really hope you can do this
It is not something that you can try but a must
You must leave this KM in the dust
Let the old KM go and just lay and rust

I will be here to point you in the right direction
It will be your job to keep you on the road
I will show you what places to avoid the addiction
It will be your job to at the end of the day to deliver what I have sold.


So good bye and I wish you the best
I hope you got some rest for the future will be rough
Lock and load for tonight is not a test
This is your life and like it or not it will be tough

Love you,
- KM

Stronger Than Life Itself

So I sit here in a world where what looks white is really black

Look at it again and it’s green or is it blue?

So what do I do if I can’t trust my own eyes

Do I just assume or do investigate more until I’m sure?

The more people I meet the more problems I get

Yet I do not regret it for one second.

The people in my life mean so much to me

They are my people, my family, my blood

I may not be the best man in the world

I may not be able to offer all that others can

I may rub some the wrong way

I have proven to be an ass at times as well

What I offer is simply a friendship

An ear to talk to and a shoulder to lean on

Someone to laugh or cry with

But above all my heart and soul.

The hard part is when the friends of mine

Are not friends of with the other

The tide makes a change and the ecosystem hurts

I get pulled from side to side yet I feel like I’m drowning.

So what do I do, where do I go

Yet the few I hold close to my heart

Are the only ones I care to keep

The rest I’m ready to let them wash away

I always swear off drama yet its right by my side

Seems to be my middle name but that will stop

I will beat this and get back to the way it was

Erase the drama embrace the true happiness in my life

He said, she said …. Now hate her

You only make us stronger

Do this, do that or you will never get married

Now I have no interest

Why is it that the little 4^th grade BS is an issue

Why can’t people get it together

Why can’t they just ignore her

Why do they insist to hate

I fuel off of the hate and the BS they serve

It feeds me and makes me stronger

The more they throw the more I know

The more I know of what I do is right

Those that I love know who they are

I ask you to hold tight and be patient

This bullshit will pass, the drama will fade

What we have is stronger than life itself.

Give me your hand and fuck the world.