Figuring it out ... i think

The clouds are clearing up as the puddles remain of what is left of the rain. I'm starting to except the reality and understand it is ok to feel this way. Everything has its reasons despite if I understand it or not or if it's a good or bad. So new roads I will find and new doors will open as old ones close. This is just a new channel line up for me and it will take time for me to get used to everything but I will be ok. As ths is a process I'm going through I still am looking for answers to most of my issues hahaha yup issues that I have.

I wish there was some way to reset my world and see if things would be any different. Would I be happier or worse off then now. Of course if it's my destiny then I'm fucked ... Well just stuck here.

So I look for tomorrow as I hope rays of good things to happen but my faith isn't with my prays as I have been let down far to many times. I don't want to get hopes murdered again so I wait. What will be, what will be.

No control over myself :(

"You decide how you feel if you have true control over yourself", my boss said today. That would make me not in control according to that theroy. If you think about he has a point. You cat dies and your depressed over it, it is because you decide to feel sad. Now it may be justified but at the same time it is because that is what you decide to do. You will get over it over time because some point it doesn't bother you and you decide it's okay to move on. This is a very tricky and has a fine line because it can be taken the wrong way.

This makes me think about me and the way I'm feeling these days. I have allot on my mind that is pulling me down and I can't help but feel I'm near a spiral. So I take what my boss says and try to see if I can take control of my thoughts and feelings. It's allot harder then I thought it might be. My best friend told me that her therapist told her that it is okay to feel however you feel and not bottle it up. So if I take control and bottle up my feelings then in one sense I took control but in another way I'm stifling my true feelings.

So as always I hit the brick wall of blah with no where to go. Frustrated is an understatement as I feel alone with this bullshit. :(

::: Static in my Head :::

Static in my head
I'll never understand my bed
a place to relax and rest your head
no rest here just he said she said

The truth hurts
the lies feel great
I dream of flirts
reality is what I hate

They all seem lost
yet I feel the worst
my eyes show the cost
place my pain in the hearse

They don't understand
I can't open up the way dream to
the fear surrounds me like sand
water is down to a drop or two

hallucinations are all I have left
happiness gone, call it theft
the devil enjoys my pain
my heart is full of his rain

Static in my head
I'll never understand my bed
a place to relax and rest your head
no rest here just he said she said

channels of confusion plague me
shades of gray closing in
color in my soul fading, hard to see
hope is hard to find so how do I win?

nice guys finish last said the loser with wit
throwing in the towel now
why be last when you can just quit
flipping the board on all for now.

This leaves me with forks in the road
courage and confidence at rock bottom now
write how I feel with sadness to be sold
true smiles, emotions and tears I will not allow.

Catch me if you can tonight
with a true emotion on my face
for that is me in the light
the real me not the bullshit mace

::: I :::

I look
I listen
I Feel
I taste

I want
I need
I pray
I hurt

I destroy
I love
I beg
I dream

I wake up and all I show for it all ... nothing
Lost in this endless loop of confusion
Frustration is tattooed across my mind
My life is nothing but one distorted illusion.

I'm Back

So it's been a while since I've been here but I would think it was because so many positives have happened in my life over the negatives that I put this on the side. The reality is I'm back here because so the negative is sneaking back to me, well not that great of sneaking due to the fact that I know it is back. Is it depression or just confusion I do not know but I do know that I'm not feeling right. I feel like I took 10 steps forward on the escalator of life but the switch was reset and now it's heading down.

I wonder why things happen the way they due or why things can seem so right when in fact it feels like it was a facade. Real or not I'm falling back into this slump that I felt or thought I have moved on from a few months ago. Was it there the whole time or was it really gone and now just back. To try to figure that out is like figuring out which color was first picked for the American flag. Does anyone really care or would it really make a difference????? No you would;t. The question I have is why now?

Things were going well and i think they still are. That being said I'm still annoyed and lost when it comes to expressing myself. I try but with out question I hold back. Why ....LOL Who knows I just know it sucks.

So my frown inside is starting to resurface and my hands still look on for me as I feel blinded again as the sun settles again in my life. So the weeks ahead of me will be the new maze of the life I lead but I will do my best to get to the end before I fall apart again.

I'll be back to check in and as I see the road looks complex enough to for me to pull over to one of the save places I know. Here :