Set Free

I don't know if I'm ready but I'm going to do it. I'm going to let them be free or I should really I'm going to set my self free from them.

For a long time now I have had this protective or whatever it may be over them. As a result I feel stupid about it. I assume others have said it but now I'm ready or almost ready to say goodbye to this hold I have.

Writing this alone feels liberating and I hope I can follow through with it :)

::: Devil in the Walls :::

Darkness has covered the sky

My mind has retired with the sun

Clock ticks, seconds pass by

Feel stuck in place, wishing I could run

Hoping it’s a dream yet it’s not

Devil in the walls of my room

Blanket around me, stomach in a knot

The feeling of laying in my own tomb

I may be a man yet I fear like a child

Sit up and curl into the darkness

My thoughts drugged, running wild

Seems like this life is hopeless

My life is heading in the black hole

I scream but no sound comes out

The devil laughs, eyes glowing red coals

Seeing tomorrows sun …I now do doubt

Dark shadows moving in the dark

Kill me if you want, you wont take soul

Yet I feel death circling like a shark

Is this the end …. The last toll?

I say good bye

I hold you in my heart

I wont cry, I’m ready to die

I will miss you but my soul will never part.

Lost in the world

The more and more that I try to understand myself the more confused I get. I try so hard to understand why I'm doing and acting this way and I get more confused. I can't help but just wish I could go back to the world of me bottling up everything and being fake with the myself and the world.

I have so many issues that it's scaring me to a whole new level. I continue to think that I should move to Chicago to get away from this all. If only I can get the courage to do so. I just want to start over and I know if I move I would have no choice but to do that. I feel like everything I touch is crumbling around me and I remain standing as I witness the destruction. From my career to my love life, my friends and family and everything I just can't help but believe that I failed. As a result my insecurities are on over drive and making me a act and feel in ways I never used too.

What do I do? Who do I talk too? I'm stuck because I'm just embarrassed talking about most of my issues and I don't anyone can truly understand me. My tongue is tied with emotion. It's so frustrating and I just want it to get better before it gets worse. Everyone would tell me that I have to fix it but I don't know how or I'm just that bad at taking charge of my own life. Can I blame anyone but myself? I guess not though even if I could would it make a difference or change anything? Of course not.

I can have a great time like I did this past weekend but wake the day after down because its over. Not really explaining it well but almost like after such a great high it followed by a downer.

I'm changing for the worse and I don't know how to get control of the reins of the horse that is my emotions.

I sit here in my bed feeling so frustrated and angry at myself. I want to just let all this bull shit out but I can't. Why? Because like I said before it wont change the situation just make it worse because I will sound crazy. Oh well tomorrow is another day that I will find time to think and dissect myself and see what other issues I may have.

I feel like crying as gay as that may sound but it's true but then I think about it and I know it wont help me in any way, shape or form. So I laugh like I do best.

::: No Trust :::

Who am I?
Who are they?
Is it one lie?
Are they what they say?

Blinded by my heart
My eyes are useless
My choices are art
Art of a drunk mess

They act one way
To your face another
Trust changing from day to day
Music of my life couldn't be farther.

How do I go on
How do I face tomorrow
When lies of the past days dawn
Confuses the sunset that follows.

Is it me? Am I lost in the mist?
Which path do I take? Either way I pay a toll.
Take a blade, slit my wrist
Blood dripping or just pain pouring from my soul

I hate what realty has done
Trust blown away in the storm
Looks like the devil won
When will my trust be reborn

I end this for its hard to continue
This chapter will close with rain
next chapter the sky is blue
No clouds, no storm just free of pain.

::: Butterfly :::

I found this butterfly almost two years ago
she was so pretty and cute and wanted her forever.
I placed her in a jar and her aura did glow
this was my butterfly ... let her go? NEVER.

All I wanted was to be a butterfly with her
fly from here to there and let our wings dance all night.
See what she sees, taste what she tastes along side her
so I dreamed at night, day dreamed all day of how to make us right.

Hours into days, sunsets into nights
time continued to fly by.
I did whatever I could to make wrongs into rights
Make her feel the way she made me smile ...no lie.

Reality of course is not one that ends right
this butterfly had to be set free
She knew it, I knew she was right
beauty of earth waiting for her to see.

Off she went to a world filled with happiness and heart break
I stayed back in my world, observing from a distance
reminiscing of the great times we shared and new ones we'll make
watching her fly and dance in the sun, no resistance.

Amazing is this butterfly and best friends are we
despite the fact she isn't mine
This is her world and she must be free to see
When she comes by priceless is our time

I can't help to always want to protect her
be there for her and shelter her from the rain
Dry off her wings and chase away that can hurt her
Though she must discover the world on her own, the happiness and the pain.

I must accept the truth for in the end I only hurt myself
letting go just isn't easy these days.
perhaps I'm selfish to want to keep the butterfly for myself
learn to love but let go in the worlds complicated maze.

This isn't a good bye
just my thoughts written in a rhyme
love one another, we all die
Share your love but set free your butterflies when its the right time.

No trust any more.

It never amazes me any more of the dog eat dog world we live in. People come to you with a problem and you feel bad for them. Take a step back and they are doing the same thing that someone is doing to them to you. So what do you say and better yet how do you trust .... More and more I find myself closing up to everyone around me. How can you trust anymore?

Yes I'm speaking vague but this is about me so I know what I'm talking about. Bottom line, your friends are fucks just like your enemies. However your enemies are out to fuck you over but you know it. Your friends do it behind your back.

In conclusion, man the fuck up amd just say what's on your mind. If I don't like it fine but at the very least your being honest. Doing it behind my back just makes so much more annoyed and push you away from me.

Fuck me for believing in others and giving the benefit of the doubt

Understanding Me

Thinking way to much these days,

Finally making some headway.

I try to be honest with myself as much as possible despite how much it sucks at times. This past weekend I realized new things about me. About the people around me and what I should do however I know it's easier said then done.

I'm aware now how insecure I am these days ... I always was but it explained a few things to me. I see why I was feeling more insecure and it hit me like a smack to the back of my head. My head like a rubix cube was finally another step closer to figuring out who I am.

The sun came out behind the clouds to expose more reality. So now I'm running wild on some BS but the point in this whole discovery ...LOL. I have to be strong and focus on me and leave Mr. Nice guy home. Be responsible and get shit together.

How to get in order is what I have to figure out. Crawl, walk then run as they say, so I will see how it goes. As I crawl and take it slow I willhope that I make right decisions that benifit ME despite it hurts others. I have just been trying to take care of the world, well the people around me and as a result been killing myself. If I continue in my old ways I will gone not able to help anyone.

Not Spanish

I have been trying to avoid the fact that I am Spanish in the sense that I love it so much and I dont want to. I dont want to because I cant fit in as much as I try that I just gave up. That being said I love the Spanish culture and its killing me as I find myself as an outsider :(

So what do I do I do from where I stand. I have no clue but I will hang in there as much as possible. Just sucks.

Good people in this world too

The other day I went to do my taxes. I decided to go to H&R Block because their price was so cheap ($70) in comparison to my regular accountant I used forever ($125). With little to no money every cent counts so I did just that.

I sit down and do the taxes and before I knew it we were done and I was just happy I did it it was finally out of my hair. In fact i was going to get back after all is said and done around $1000! Ok so Mr. James was cool as hell the whole time BSing with me and then he clicks the mouse. "So your balance is $188 Sam". Like getting hit with a bat to my happiness I swallowed all the joy I just had. I told him that the sign by the front said it would be $29 for state and $39 for federal and my taxes couldn't be simpilar. I didn't work all year I mean seriously WTF!

Chalk this up to a huge waste of my time and accepting the fact that I will have to pay $125 to my regular accountant IF I can get an appointment. I pleaded and explaind to him that the only reason I went there in the first place was because of the price and my regular accountant did mine for $125. He did it for me and my ex and that was a way more complicated in H&R world then my 1 page W2 from unemployment. He agrees with me but sadly says this is the price. He gets up to see if he can do anything about it.

He comes back and and he tells me "I spoke to the manager and it was $188 but now it will be less". I see on his screen $20 pop in under the $188 so in my head I'm thinking great he got $20 off the tab. I still only had $80 in my pocket which sucked either way. So I ask him "so how much?" and he says $20. "What do you mean $20? $20 dollars off?" I asked. "No the whole bill is only $20".

I was shocked and motionless I mean $20 is just crazy. He then explained to me that H&R Block has a friend and family plan for their own accountants and they may do their friends and family for $20 which he makes $0 I think. I was so thankful he did that for a complete stranger and that he believed in me that yes I was truly broke. You just don't meet people like that but when you do your taken by suprise.

So that was that, I tipped him $20 so it cost me $40 in total and I just had to share this to give hope to others. Hope in others that there are good people out there and to encourage yourselfs to help others like I was helped.

Makes me feel all fuzzy inside ...LOL :)

A-Boooooo

Talking with my mom just reminded me of how much of a mess my life is according to her and not far from the mess I believe I'm in. We were talking about relationships and the bullshit involved which in return of course brought up to my head of the hard time I am having. Every girl I have liked in the past few years has been a waste of my time. They never like me the way I like them and at most they wish to remain "friends" with me. It is the life I lead and it just leaves me with a sadness inside me but whatever.

I hate how I feel but I have no choice but to just move on and deal with it a-booooo.

30 was yesterday

In a few days I will be 31 years old and I can't help but look back at the past year. Interesting it was, with many ups and downs. As bad as the downs were the ups were way amazing making me want to go on and look for the next day and forgetting the bad ones.

This past Saturday night I through my party and had an amazing time. My best friend was there which was awesome especially because I couldn't but worry that she wouldn't be able to get in. So many of my friends came and it meant allot to me to see the support I have in my life. The party went off with a bang and didn't stop until the lights when on. It was another party I had that I will always remember.

Of course I'm not here just to blab about my silly party but because that night as I closed my eyes my head began to spin. Lucky for me I fell asleep before it got crazy however when I woke up I was feeling weird. As I lay in my bed I was thinking and diagnosing what the issue was. I mean how can there be an issue when I just partied so much and had a great night. After a bit more poking around I realized what it was and with my luck it was something that used to haunt me.

I was lonely ....

Despite how good I felt with having all these great people around me they still weren't part of me. What I mean is simply, I am all alone as I close my eyes and when I wake up. There are people in my ife that fill that void to an extent but not enough to keep the loneliness away.

As I discovered that this was the root of my reality it became depressingly clear that I was still single. I mean not that it was some type of shattering news but the feeling of being all alone I guess is magnetized on important times in your life like your birthday. Sleep alone, wake up alone and acknowledge that your alone. So break out the violin if you like ...LOL but it was really casting a shadow over me and it just made me feel really down. I know its life but it can just sting more on some days more so than others.

Happy Birthday To Me ....Boooooo

Far Apart

He came and it was if a missing piece was found and put back in the right spot. Yet the stay itself was just a few days and before I knew it I was sending him back on the plane to his mom. This is the way it will be and I shouldn't complain because it could be worse. As I work with my ex I have made the relationship with my son stronger and stronger. She has been great and I have to thank her for that.

When he landed he was happy but sad and emotional that he left me and my heart felt for him. I'm looking forward to the next trip he makes out here. His trip gave me a recharge of life and I love it and I want it again. Got me focused again some how. Maybe because I want to him to be proud and know when he is here all is good. Plus I want to be able to afford for him to come out here again sooner then later. I have the incentives now I just have to execute it which is always the fun part but I will. Despite the fact that the money well is dry I will find a new well some how and take care of him.

Friends and Time

Time passes and so do the people in my life. I guess I should just except it even though I wish I could control. I want to feel like I have my life figured out but as always I'm proven wrong again and again.

To keep friendships in the fresh state is hard either because I choose I don't want to or visa versa. I'm generally what I tend to call a reflective friend. Meaning that I generally put into the friendship whatever the other one does. Some times more while other times less but generally I'm reflective.

The problem I find and time has proven me this over and over again. People settle in and just put the freshness of the relationship on a back burner. Not be a hypocrite I catch myself doing it as well but I still hate it.

In the past few months new friendships have been entering my world, others blossoming and sadly some are just fading into the background. I'm ok with some but not ok with others. That being said I'm excepting it as hard as it may be, its life and I know I will move on.

To end on a happy note I had one person enter my life that I am so happy she did. She has just been a great breath of fresh air and yes it sounds all gay but I don't care ....LOL. She's a friend I want to keep around because like a rare diamond they are hard to come by :)

::: It Rains Today :::

t rains today as my smile washes away
Walking in puddles of sadness, the clouds cry.
I look up & see an ugly grey covering today,
The frown of today makes the happiness of before seem like a lie.

I'm reaching point where the smile is aging,
Looking in the mirror my lips are boring.
Am I happy for no reason, sounds debating,
Losing control again this is en raging.

What went wrong that I feel my head slipping,
Who flipped the switch from good to bad?
Who made KM go from happy to sad?
The spark is dying my shirt I'll be ripping.

I study the past few months where everything was right,
Compare it to now but it barley sheds light.
I place my energy on the days of today,
I sit here in silence and try to understand the saddening way.

I come up with the issues I had all along and just a few new ones,
Wonder to myself if I was happy with reason.
Should I laugh at the fool I was or were those happy ones?
I was real happy ... My smile guilty of treason.

It rains today as my smile washes away
Walking in puddles of sadness, the clouds cry.
I look up & see an ugly grey covering today,
The frown of today makes the happiness of before seem like a lie.

Life Changes

Funny how time changes everything. Things that were, aren't anymore, well at least different. That is just the ways of human nature and I include myself in that too. I am fortunate to have so many people in my life that I am exposed to so many ways they interact with others. Like a large science experiment I can watch and monitor how people do what they do and why. It just sucks when you are loving one way of life and one day u wake up and notice something is off. You let it go at first but it starts to eat at you as for the reason why. You come to find out that over time things have changed and of course things won't stay the same because that's just the way life is however you notice how far things have gone. Will it ever be the way it was ... I don't think so but can it go back to the way that will still be great.

In new relationships regardless if its with a boy friend or girlfriend, job, friendship or anything else you have the honeymoon period. Titled that because of how great it is and the feelings you get in return. Once that is over your left with a relationship that will stay strong only if energy and determination is paced into it. It takes both sides to keep the foundation strong and allow the the relationship to shine.

I find myself in a bad position in life because when I'm in a solid relationship with a person, job, etc I put allot into it and expect the same in return and in most cases I don't get the same return. I know I have failed others who invest more then I do so don't claim to always be the best at giving the return. So why do I continue to do what I do ... Well what I generally do after a while I with draw back into my cave where I don't feel like I'm vulnerable to get hurt. Its a defense I use and it's not always the best thing to do but it's where I feel safe.

Life is interesting :)

I'm Happy

It's been a while since I've been here and I miss this place as cheesy as that may sound. So to give an update to myself and any others that care to read, here it is.

I have been working allot and keeping real busy these days which is both good and a little not good. My roommate and myself are really clicking in a way we never did before. I'm happy, that's right I'm happy. My best friend and I closer and I really can't see not having her in my life. My son is in a good place with his mom and I get along great with her. Can be a bit weird at times but we still get along.

I'm meeting more people, doing more and appreciating life. I hope to have more of these posts in the future ahead of me. :)

- KM