Lost in a Forest of Helplessness

So I sit here with thoughts flying through my head. Love, hate, anger, excitement, fear, confusion, hope, confidence etc etc. Uncertain of tomorrow I continue to walk forward with fingers crossed and blades of life at my back. I try to make sense of everything and I can’t. More than once have I tried but it only makes things worse. Like reading a description for a book I want to read it but it gets so over my head I’m forced to close the book which is me. So as always I’m stuck and it is not a good place to be to break down at with no help for miles and the only light I have is from the moon that pops out of the clouds here and there.

If I look at the cup half full I would be lying to myself of the obvious that does surround me, some by choice and some not. So like a realest I look at the cup as just a cup filled half way and see the pros and cons. Unfortunately seeing everything is not anything to get excited about since it doesn’t solve or tap you on the back for what is. So what are these issues I talk about hahahaha I couldn’t speak let alone write them because of how I’m wired, they are locked away in my bottle and resurfacing them all would only do more damage than help. Yes I’m sure some would argue with that fact but I know from experience that it is good to talk some of the time but not all the time. I have to make certain choices in life and these are some. Others might ask than why write this if anything it sounds more like a cry for help or an invite for others to ask how they can help. To answer that I see this as more as a personal therapy and a way of me letting out enough to me going to the next day. Call it self medicating or something like that because all I want to do is let it out a bit so I feel better and it helps me open up more. There was a time when I never let any out so I guess I made some progress over time.

As I write this I feel many things around me are changing and some are more drastic than others. Trying to keep an eye on all is like a security guard watching 200 monitor screens … pretty much impossible. So let some run their course while others I stay focused on even those I shouldn’t be. So as I watch, I wonder and think 10 steps ahead of possible ways these events will play out but more so than not I believe the issues will not get better, if anything more complicated. So the stress continues and there is nothing I can do about it just yet.

Fact one is I’m too nice and as a result I hurt and screw myself yet as much as I know it I continue to do it. That’s my weakness and I have to find a solution to fix it. This is where I feel lost in a forest with no hint of direction to take because all I see are trees all around. As I told my BF I feel at times like I’m walking and making progress when next thing I know is I’m back to where I started and all that so called progress was just one big waste of time …. My Time. Do I give up? Nope I continue to walk and this time I’m tying strings to keep me conscious of the path I’m taking. I would hate to bag track so I think I might make some progress this time. If not I’m fucked and will have to go to plan F. Plan F is where I grab everything I can fit into my car and just drive and drive. Say good bye to the world I know here and start fresh somewhere else. “Why are you running away from your problems?!?!” Why you ask? Well because they are problems and issues that the only way I can get away from them would be to run away from them. I have no energy to fight anymore and especially having the internal battles in my head with my emotions, thoughts, etc.

So much more to say I just don’t know how  I’ll be back later - KM

What if ????

So I sit out here and wonder
what if I would have stayed on the path
what if I would have done what I supposed too
what if, what if, what if is all I ask now.

Would the fucked up life I lead now be happening if I would have stayed in the world I was brought up in? I look around at all my childhood friends and see how they have families and friends and overall seem happy. They are successful and are buying houses in the near future or already own one. That's right own not rent. Of course the grass is always greener on the other side but I have been on both sides. I know what life is like there and I find myself wanting both which is 99% of the time impossible. Was I happy back in the day? Yes I was and everything was falling into place yet I walked away from it. Can I blame it on my marriage? My career? My life style? ....I blame it on me because it was choice to do what I did.

Despite the change I found many great things that I do not regret. Meet may amazing people that really affected my life and much appreciative for it. That all being said I still not happy, I mean happiness comes in doses for me. If I'm hanging out with good friends enjoying life or accomplishing something amazing but over all inside a sad face rests inside me. I try to remain happy when I do get happy but like a broken tracks I easally derail but as the person I am I act if we haven't and tell all those aboard that everything is just fine.

Back in the day I had true happiness or was it that I was to young to know better? I don't know but what I do know is complications just keep rising up on me and make confussed and frustrated. Which way do I go what do I say to whom? Am I honest with them or do I lie do I tell you one thing and another something else? Maybe I can get away with it once or twice but to keep lies locked up eventually will burst out and make the truths questionable. Every day I look around monitor the life I live and question if this is the right one but then again it could be worse .... or could it?

So I sit here writing this as if it may change something when all I'm doing is passing time. So I question myself as why write in the first place .... I guess because keeping it locked in is no picnic and this helps let it out a bit so I can breathe more inside. Sounds good enough for me I hope it does for you.

So I conclude this mess that I have to just continue leading the life I live and see where it goes. Sacrafices will have to be made and people let go and new people brought in. Changes in my routines and my actions will have to adjust as I try to emerge better then I was yesterday. Will this be a bitch? Hell yeah but what can I do I have to do this for the long term.

Later - KM

::: Good Night Walls :::

I sit here again with them watching me
I look back and we acknowledge each other
They know me for its it’s obvious they see
I know them for we have much in common like a brother

The difference is I can get away and they can’t
They need to be entertained while I can find it
But the reality is we both have the same common pit
The same fear that I hide from and they can’t

What is this evil thing I speak off
What could I possibly have in common with them
The answer may sound silly or what not
It’s the walls around me that share this bruised spot

It’s the loneliness & quietness
For them it’s natural but for me it’s sadness
So I deal with it and go with it from day to day
It is my life and for now this is the price I pay

So I look at the walls and share this common enemy
Yet as much as we have in common it doesn’t help any
I retire tonight with much on my mind & share it
Good night walls, Talk to you later in the morning light

::: The Life I Ride :::

It’s funny how time can fix the broken and break the right

Make things that were into weren’t into what is that that wasn’t, was

What you thought you figured, totally nosedived & the unexpected become reality

Make you believe what you once thought as impossible, possible & visa versa.

Things have changed to a point, I question my eyes

I pinch myself to make sure I know what I see

I now have a hard time being me

Who says me is the real me and that we are we

Are we who I thought we were

Are you who you say you are

Of course they are or are they

This is game I see us play from day to day

Like a turtle in fear I back my head in

Watching the world from a safe location

I analyze and can’t help myself

Placing the what was yesterday back on the shelf

How do you trust your eyes when they see the dead end

You reach and see it’s not so it was a lie your eyes did send

So who do you trust if not yourself, your eyes, your heart

Sounds like paranoia yet this the paint I see, my reality art

I continue from day to day to try to understand what is

Do my best to avoid what isn’t and what can’t

Watch everything I say in order to keep the peace

Let old dreams fade to the side & unrealistic hopes cease

Life isn’t easy we all can attest to that through experience

Some have it easier than others as a result of luck or hard work

I attempt to stay positive and let the experiences of life school me

Take all that I learn both positive and negative and reinvent me

So I step back and let be what is

Watch it unfold and pray for the best

Stay out of the way but monitor as best I can

For this like everything else will show me what to ban

This poem like my life is real deep for me and speaks so much

I want to understand it and go deeper under the inside

See what the problem is and learn how to fix it with a touch

Watch out for the wave of reality, the life I have, the life I ride

The Game I Call My Life

It's funny how life leads you through many different sunsets and we find ourselves sleeping under one roof but waking up in another. Like lab rats we think we know what were doing, hunting through the maze of life looking for the food that we crave so much. Yet as we reach the ecstasy of what we believe is the food that will fill our stomachs from the hunger we are stuck with. The next day we are placed in a new maze and we must look for that fulfillment all over again.

To me it is one vicious cycle we are stuck in that individuals like myself just want to be free of it. I don't know how except I find myself being placed in more complex mazes that are filled with new obstacles that I could not imagine. Yet I make it through with scars and shortness of breath. Each time I sit down and reevaluate what I have done and shock myself but I continue with my head held high. However at each start I feel less and less confident as the trigger is pulled. My head weighs more and more and it cause strain in my back as I try to keep my head above.

So what is there for me to do? Honestly I do not think I can do anything because just like a lab rat I'm placed in a cage at the end of the day. Oh the frustration I feel, the thoughts that haunt me ...they are stuck in the cage called my head.

I will just deal with it as it is and play with the cards I am dealt. I know I can't win and the hands I do are just fake money that means nothing once the game is over besides some temporary satisfaction.

So I stand alone in this corner called my life and wait my turn to place my bets and show my hand. With hope out the window as reality shines through i will play the game and keep my sportsmanship as strong as I can. I invite you to sit down and play a game with me as I know these games only last so long and it is only a matter of time before I'm out of chips. When that time comes i will with all the best, bow and walk away with the memories from the card table.

Let's play ;)

Pressure

The pressure has been building up and I continue to fight this up hill battle. The fact is I'm fighting to stay afloat and every time I feel I'm getting a break and things start working out I get a kick in the ass or a reality check that now is not the time for me to shine. That is fine I guess .... No it's not it frustrating as hell and making me crazy.

I know there are people that look at me and see me as a failure, chump or whatever but the reality is I feel it bothers me like crazy. For every step ahead I think I'm taking I'm just fooling myself in a sense. I don't know anymore, I just want to be ok but I can't help to think that why should I be ok when so many others are worse off than I am.

My parents are frustrated with me and just want me to move forward but the rut I'm in is holding me back. It isn't that I don’t want to move forward it’s just that I being held back by this horrible economy. I want more than anything else to successful and for people to look at me as a success especially my family. I always felt like I could not reach the approval of my closest people around me. No matter how successful I felt I have been it was never enough. I can’t help but feel these things will haunt for a while and hopefully not forever.

So what the future lies ahead of me I don’t know but I am concerned because the window of my future is closing. I need a solid career and if this doesn’t work out it will fall apart … well I will. I have waited so long to just move forward with my life not because it is what I should but because I need it for me. So I try to stay positive and tell myself it will be ok but I know there is no guarantee. I can hope and pray but who knows what future lays before me. Ugh.

So leave this blog because it is only frustrating more and more and I hate it. I will do my best to move passed this though I’m not sure how at this point. See you all soon on a better day.