What if ????

So I sit out here and wonder
what if I would have stayed on the path
what if I would have done what I supposed too
what if, what if, what if is all I ask now.

Would the fucked up life I lead now be happening if I would have stayed in the world I was brought up in? I look around at all my childhood friends and see how they have families and friends and overall seem happy. They are successful and are buying houses in the near future or already own one. That's right own not rent. Of course the grass is always greener on the other side but I have been on both sides. I know what life is like there and I find myself wanting both which is 99% of the time impossible. Was I happy back in the day? Yes I was and everything was falling into place yet I walked away from it. Can I blame it on my marriage? My career? My life style? ....I blame it on me because it was choice to do what I did.

Despite the change I found many great things that I do not regret. Meet may amazing people that really affected my life and much appreciative for it. That all being said I still not happy, I mean happiness comes in doses for me. If I'm hanging out with good friends enjoying life or accomplishing something amazing but over all inside a sad face rests inside me. I try to remain happy when I do get happy but like a broken tracks I easally derail but as the person I am I act if we haven't and tell all those aboard that everything is just fine.

Back in the day I had true happiness or was it that I was to young to know better? I don't know but what I do know is complications just keep rising up on me and make confussed and frustrated. Which way do I go what do I say to whom? Am I honest with them or do I lie do I tell you one thing and another something else? Maybe I can get away with it once or twice but to keep lies locked up eventually will burst out and make the truths questionable. Every day I look around monitor the life I live and question if this is the right one but then again it could be worse .... or could it?

So I sit here writing this as if it may change something when all I'm doing is passing time. So I question myself as why write in the first place .... I guess because keeping it locked in is no picnic and this helps let it out a bit so I can breathe more inside. Sounds good enough for me I hope it does for you.

So I conclude this mess that I have to just continue leading the life I live and see where it goes. Sacrafices will have to be made and people let go and new people brought in. Changes in my routines and my actions will have to adjust as I try to emerge better then I was yesterday. Will this be a bitch? Hell yeah but what can I do I have to do this for the long term.

Later - KM