Pressure

The pressure has been building up and I continue to fight this up hill battle. The fact is I'm fighting to stay afloat and every time I feel I'm getting a break and things start working out I get a kick in the ass or a reality check that now is not the time for me to shine. That is fine I guess .... No it's not it frustrating as hell and making me crazy.

I know there are people that look at me and see me as a failure, chump or whatever but the reality is I feel it bothers me like crazy. For every step ahead I think I'm taking I'm just fooling myself in a sense. I don't know anymore, I just want to be ok but I can't help to think that why should I be ok when so many others are worse off than I am.

My parents are frustrated with me and just want me to move forward but the rut I'm in is holding me back. It isn't that I don’t want to move forward it’s just that I being held back by this horrible economy. I want more than anything else to successful and for people to look at me as a success especially my family. I always felt like I could not reach the approval of my closest people around me. No matter how successful I felt I have been it was never enough. I can’t help but feel these things will haunt for a while and hopefully not forever.

So what the future lies ahead of me I don’t know but I am concerned because the window of my future is closing. I need a solid career and if this doesn’t work out it will fall apart … well I will. I have waited so long to just move forward with my life not because it is what I should but because I need it for me. So I try to stay positive and tell myself it will be ok but I know there is no guarantee. I can hope and pray but who knows what future lays before me. Ugh.

So leave this blog because it is only frustrating more and more and I hate it. I will do my best to move passed this though I’m not sure how at this point. See you all soon on a better day.