What do u tell someone u care about more than almost anybody when their heart gets destroyed. You can't say anything that will fix it yet the pain goes straight to your heart and starts cutting into yours. You want to stop it, make it better and just mend the damages done yet you can't.
I was there in their shoes and I know what it feels like and the pain is unexplainable and as time passes in the beginning the pain gets worse and keeps hurting you more and more. OMG Do I want to scream, I want to destroy all that is his and make his heart bleed like he made hers. Let him know what he has done yet we all know he wont because he's just too ignorant.
Frustration falls over me as I know she is out there alone dealing with the pieces of her life falling to the floor. She is amazing and yet even she got got screwed over. ........ All I can do is wait and let her know I will be by her side regardless of what and support her in any way shape or form.
For some reason this weekend my brain is running on overdrive. I can't seem to relax like I thought I was going to but instead my head is all over the map. Thinking about my past present and future. Family, friends, relationships and everything in between. Last night especially I tried so hard to go to sleep and I couldn't. I just twisted and turned and couldn't relax my brain was so wide awake just thinking about all this crap.
I don't know .... Hopefully tonight will be better.
Ever since I can remember I have been different than the ones around me. Over time I took this insecurity and made it my identity where I pride myself to be different but even these days I still get that insecurity to haunt me. So I'm writing this because these feelings still power me and haunt me and they are feeling really strong.
From elementary school I was the only "non white" in my school with no resemblance to the typical European Jewish kids that I would see all around me. As I got older it would be more bothersome because other kids would point it out or even question if I was Jewish. Did it hurt yes but grew stronger to a point were I had it locked down with the best responses to satisfy them and move on the next conversation at hand. There were days I would just wonder how I could change the color of my skin just so I could fit in. My brother who was adopted was as typical white as can be and had no problems in that regard. I was the one who stuck out in the family photos it was me, the odd one out.
I would hate the sun as it would make me darker but I couldn't hide from so I just excepted it. My parents who I do love would never except me being different and always told I was just like everyone else. Was I? "NO I was different", I would yell inside my head but that is where the cries would end as did most of my issues. Everything was never a problem with my parents since they always painted the perfect picture for the world to see. Do I blame them? Yes and No because in reality it would not have changed who I was.
I would watch friends of mine and see how perfect their families were from the outside looking in. They all just had so much fun and would wonder why my family was nothing like that. Mom or dad never hugged me, touched me, said anything emotional to me as simple as a “I love you”. We were a family but not. To this day when I see my dad I shake his hand and my mother I just say “hi” or “goodbye” as I come and go. Go to any other family and it would the opposite, they would act like the family I wished I had and never did and I know I never will. The only thing I can do is hope to create my own family … Well I tried once and now all three of us live in different state. Great job KM.
As I got older and my independence grew I headed out to the world and would continue to look for the world I belonged. I remember being in Denver Colorado where I went to high school and went down to Sloans Lake where I loved to hang out by myself. I was watching all these South American's playing soccer and I felt a comfort being around them. I can't explain it but it was a feeling I got that was drawing me closer but soon as that feeling came over me another one did as well. These people were all speaking Spanish, their culture was a totally different than mine and as always I had nothing in common with them except my skin.
When I meet my ex wife I was so happy because I knew I saved myself the foreseen torture of dating in the religious world. That torture I speak of is what my mom was planning on doing by setting me up to go on these blind dates and I knew that being adopted was an issue, being Colombian was an issue and of course because I do not have any Jewish blood in me would just be a deal breaker for most religious Jews. I would stress about the day and wonder what I would do and knowing my parents they would not want me to share this information in the beginning especially on the first date. So when I found a girl to marry myself who accepted me for everything I was and was not made me feel like the richest man in the world.
Oh how life can kick you in the ass. Fast forward to present day Brooklyn, NY I am a totally different person than I was back then. Divorced, single, no family, the only blood I know is 500 miles away etc. That being said I have grown over the years especially in the past two. I’m proud of who I am, color of my skin, the blood inside me. I have more Spanish speaking friends than anything else. Yes I still can’t speak the language though I wish I could I get by. I love learning about their cultures and this and that. So now life is great right?!?!
No great would be a lie but life is good. I have my health, my parents and some of the best friends I can ask for and that is how I’m living and I hope it can only get better from here.
The other day I was at this Dominican party and just watching how this huge family was having so much fun of course I felt so awkward but I forced myself as I do just stick it through because I know it’s the right thing to do. Standing there as always with my mind running wild I was thinking about the last conversation I had with my mother. She was talking to me about getting me married again and how she has some people in mind etc. This fear that I had back in high school resurfaced and the anxiety kicked in. What can I do because I can already see the future of this. My mom setting me up with these girls that I guarantee will not want me and I know I won’t want them. The most embarrassing part will be because of my so called flaws I have which include my blood, color and now my past. Again I will be the odd one out.
I was out with some friends of mine over the weekend and the topic of "Love" came up. So Romeo AKA Pedro claimed that true love doesn't exist. Not to run away with why but he basically said it was impossible and all love really is, is a chemical reaction in ones body. To say love doesn't cause some sort of a reaction in the body would be a lie but by saying it is just proves that love does exist. Do we call all feelings we have by the chemical reaction they produce inside us? No.
So now that we are on this topic what is love or better what is love to me and what makes my chemicals react? I know love because I have been in love and when I was there, the emotions and feelings I got were unexplainable because words would not do it justice. I felt this power inside me that made want more and I could not get enough of it. When it was over it the light inside me faded out and no I await for someone to reignite it.
Now Romeo said as well that if love in the romantic sense did exist people wouldn't cheat and that the love would last forever. I personally believe love does not mean forever since love doesn't come with a guarantee or an expiration date. Love can last forever or for just a few months it really depends on the two individuals. I generally believe that in most cases love blossoms over time and it continues to get stronger the whole love at first site is cute and all but generally not realistic. Why do I say that because you are judging a book by its cover just like when you see a new pair of shoes and they look amazing and they are a must have. See if you feel the same way about them after wearing them for a while. More times than not they are not the most amazing shoes ever because you already saw another pair that is a "must have".
I do not think that over time love will automatically get better either because love works hand in hand with the two individuals as well. Just because you have things in common and you enjoy eating at the same restaurants or whatever does not mean the love will grow stronger or last forever.
True love is like the perfect storm. You have to people that are perfect for each other, the world they live in become this solid universe of similarities and differences that mesh into a beautiful diamond that is priceless. Like cutting a rare diamond it must be handled with the utmost care and like a diamond it must be cut not to fast or to slow but at the right speed and precision. When the final piece is presented anyone looking will see what a beautiful piece it is and same goes with love. True love is something we all want and yearn for yet only so many get lucky to find it while others settle for less or just let it get away. Talking about past diamonds you had or plan on getting is just talk and the reality that is as good as the gamblers who talk to you at the Off Track spots telling you tails of what could have, should have or would have. Anyone can talk but only the few can actually have true love.
As hard/easy as life might get at times it's the real hard and great times that remain engraved in our pasts. This weekend is one of the occasions that will remain a great time in my life. The friends I have in life are that amazing and I love them. Making me laugh and keeping my smile natural regardless of what is playing in the background.
I'm out here in Colorado on a break from my life and loving it because I am really enjoying it. However with as great as anything may be there is always a negative part as well which is the fact that this will be over before I know it. Just another reason why I should savior these moments.
Been a while since I have been here but I'm back ;)
I've been thinking allot these days as I always do ...lol Let me restart I was trying to figure out what direction my life is heading towards. Since my birthday I had some bad luck with my money and it was a result of me being neglegent and just ... bad luck. I can not ignore the great times I had in the month of April. I have had some real good times and my friends I feel have been a great support to me.
I did learn I will have to make sacrifices for now inorder to prepare for future. Was I happy about it no but hence why it's called a sacrafice. Doh! When i dwell on it it makes me crazy because one it involves my son and that is a very sensitive subject. After speaking to my mom who we generally have a very different kind of a relationship she was really helpful in me organizing some priorities in my life. The others I did myself.
In the end I am just me trying to get from day to day with the least amount of drama. I feel I have made great strides from a few months ago let alone 2 years ago. My life is changing and new friends are coming into my life while others are falling to the side. I'm getting stronger with each breath I take and I look forward to the day I am more confident and stronger than ever.
