♥

I have had dreams and I do believe them ..... I will die of a heart attack.






- KM

Dear God

Avenged Sevenfold has some amazing songs and their song "Dear God" is one of their best pieces of art.

Dear God the only thing I ask of you
Is to hold her when I'm not around
When I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again, oh no
Once again

I dedicate those borrowed lyrics to the angel I will one day find. :)

A New Chapter

It's been a while but I'm back and now I start new again. On the 28 I turned 30 and I had a great time as my friends all made parties for me. From a week before in Detroit to steak house in NYC to be followed by a pre-game party with my room mate and her friends and finishing with an all night part at Columbus 72. I couldn't have asked for more ... I mean I'm sure I could have ....LOL.

So I started this new chapter by being sick in bed for 2 days and still not 100% as I write this so it can only get better from here :) right? right? hmmmmmmm. Time will tell. At the same time I finally finished school oh god was that one pain I wont miss. Now I just have to get into the academy and I'm good to go :D

I'm a father .... I think ...

I'm a father ... at least that is what I'm told. I wouldn't know because I never see my son. He lives in Michigan and I live in New York. I go there once a month though I don't call him much because he being 7 are conversations last for maybe a few minutes before silence. I feel I try but who knows I hear it's not enough, I pay more than required for child support and when I visit we are spending every second with each other. I design and write a news letter now once a month and I send it to Ozzy but I have no idea if he likes it or not.

I do not feel like his dad but more like a concerned uncle. I hate it and I can't explain it but what goes through my head makes me angry, depressed and lost. Of course everyone is going to tell me that's not true but non of them experienced what I'm going through or should. It's easy to say I'm his dad but saying and feeling are two different things all together.

Like I told my brother in law I'm not asking for a line violins ... maybe one ...lol but I'm so frustrated. I feel alone on this and day after day it only gets worse. I'm so lost but whatever ... I head out to Michigan for this weekend even though I was asked not to go ....shoot me now.

Trust

Trust is something hard to come by these days. Telling somebody something and expecting them to keep it inside is unlikely. Trusting your partner to be who they claim they are, straight up individual who wont lie or cheat. Coworkers blowing up your spot about an interview you went on or something you did.

Why is trust so hard to come by? Did people change so much over time? It seems like it is excepted in today's age and that its normal to be lied to. The more lies that go around and the more okay it gets the more and more we will see it happen. Like the economy today it is only going to get worse before it gets better.

Being divorced is not only expected these days but cool. Hell, I'm divorced and it doesn't faze anybody. Not that staying in bad marriage is a good thing but it seems like we run faster than fixing. Research shows us that today's generations expect immediate results and not that it is breaking news or anything but that is now the norm. When people are at a job that might have an issue the first thing is to look for another job. In a relationship that is getting rocky and you start looking for
the door or for someone on the side. Friends piss you off and you throw the friendship out.

I would be lying if I said I did it all right. I've thrown friendships out, looked for new jobs as soon as I got annoyed. I did not however screw my relationship because when your cheated on that I believe is a valid reason to throw it out. Does that mean I wont ruin a relationship when it gets ruff ... I have not done that and hope never to walk away as a result of some issues.

Society as a whole is a mess but that does make those honest ones that much greater and harder to find. I would think people would strive to be better but instead I see people working on being "hard" and the "I don't give a shit" attitude. Why I'm not sure but society has work on themselves including myself to reach higher levels and not lower street levels. Any who that is my lil rant for the day.

::: I Stand Alone :::

I feel like I'm losing my grip
all I'm left is with this pit.
A pit that makes me insane,
as it grows I feel much pain.

Left alone with my thoughts,
building a house by myself,
fly away, so start flapping
... it's just not happening.

There is a war inside me,
killing each other is solving nothing
Like the Middle East I see no peace,
Just blood dripping, souls dying.

EMT's can't fix me,
it's time for the ER
Get me their soon for I see the light,
light of frustration, anger & Pain

How can that be?
My eyes must be lying!
The light should be warm and inviting,
not full of hatred and souls dying.

I reach my hands up to the sky,
a prayer runs from my lips.
A message to the great one above,
Help me, all I want is some love.

My pride is still alive,
fighting for real estate.
Not much left worth buying,
quitting is not an option nor is dying.

I will fight this fight
as painful as it might get.
My spirit still has hope
I'll go on, don't want your rope.

Will I win who knows,
the pain goes to my toes.
flames burning at my soul
matter of time before it's coal.

How I turn out wont matter
just how far I got up the ladder.
Every rung of life, harder to climb
not climbing .... just wasting time.

This journey is my own,
must go on it alone.
Support always appreciated,
Life and death are related.

I reach my hands up to the sky,
a prayer runs from my lips.
to the angels in the sky
Help me up don't let me die.

LOST

Not the TV show but the song by Gorilla Zoe ft. lil Wayne.

The lyrics are hot and speak how I feel at times ... well except for the "smoking my cancer" line because when I have a cigarette that is not on my mind. Maybe it should be on my mind.


[Verse 1:]
Walking around looking for a way
But no one tells me which way to go
I'm caught up in a world
Elaborate a maze
Where yes men could easily be known
I ask them no questions
They give me no answers
Following the wise
But they're walking in pampers
Give me a cigarette
Smoking my cancer
Drink the pain away
But I still have no answers

[Hook:]
I'm lost on a road
Don't know which way to go
I'm losing my mind
Losing control of the wheel
And I'm swerving
On and off the road

I'm lost on a road
But survival is a must
Don't know who I can trust
I'm livin in a rush
I don't understand the fuss
My brain is bout to bust

That is part of the lyrics but any who on to life again.

TGIF or not?

Every tool and their mother gets excited it's Friday because the week comes to an end. That is great I guess because then you have the weekend to relax and take a break from life.

What if your entire week was a weekend? Not that mine was I just wonder if you even care or is this question its self stupid in the first place. I vote for stupid question.

So as my day went on I felt this evilness which is the depression I swallow all the time trying to get out. How do you keep it in because you know if it comes out it will make you miserable. So I did what I knew best and got out and interacted with the world. Even better I bumped into a friend that invited me for dinner tonight woohoo Now I'm forced to keep my shit together.

Yes I know it's not a good thing what I'm doing and I'm not fixing anything just simply suppressing it. So I wonder if that is such a bad thing? People always tell me that you must get it out but generally those are the people that are always getting it out. Are they doing much better by getting it out? They will claim yes and I would agree but at the same time I will continue to not get it out like they say I should.

So why would I do something knowing it isn't helping me? I don't know, maybe because it's easier to deal with and like smokers who know their inhaling cancer but continue to smoke. "What's one more?" they say.

____________________________

Well my day did get better and I had dinner with some friends and than other friends came over later and we chilled and drank and I felt great. There gone now and I'm tired and yet the evil is peeking out behind the shades. Hopefully I can sleep it off and it will be gone by tomorrow but we'll see.

Life is full of so much and I shouldn't focus on the negative or at least pretend not too ....lol.

Good night people ;)

Blah Blah Blog

So I thought about it for a while why I should or shouldn't get into this blog BS and obviously I got into it. What will I gain from writing and would I gain if I didn't write? The one thing that made me choose was that I could only fairly judge if I just start.

Here I am me writing to any tard who stumbles across this page and is remotely curious to jump into my head for a few minutes to see the BS I deal with from day to day.

Here we go people, strap on for an uneventful time ...lol

- KM