Lost in the world

The more and more that I try to understand myself the more confused I get. I try so hard to understand why I'm doing and acting this way and I get more confused. I can't help but just wish I could go back to the world of me bottling up everything and being fake with the myself and the world.

I have so many issues that it's scaring me to a whole new level. I continue to think that I should move to Chicago to get away from this all. If only I can get the courage to do so. I just want to start over and I know if I move I would have no choice but to do that. I feel like everything I touch is crumbling around me and I remain standing as I witness the destruction. From my career to my love life, my friends and family and everything I just can't help but believe that I failed. As a result my insecurities are on over drive and making me a act and feel in ways I never used too.

What do I do? Who do I talk too? I'm stuck because I'm just embarrassed talking about most of my issues and I don't anyone can truly understand me. My tongue is tied with emotion. It's so frustrating and I just want it to get better before it gets worse. Everyone would tell me that I have to fix it but I don't know how or I'm just that bad at taking charge of my own life. Can I blame anyone but myself? I guess not though even if I could would it make a difference or change anything? Of course not.

I can have a great time like I did this past weekend but wake the day after down because its over. Not really explaining it well but almost like after such a great high it followed by a downer.

I'm changing for the worse and I don't know how to get control of the reins of the horse that is my emotions.

I sit here in my bed feeling so frustrated and angry at myself. I want to just let all this bull shit out but I can't. Why? Because like I said before it wont change the situation just make it worse because I will sound crazy. Oh well tomorrow is another day that I will find time to think and dissect myself and see what other issues I may have.

I feel like crying as gay as that may sound but it's true but then I think about it and I know it wont help me in any way, shape or form. So I laugh like I do best.