He came and it was if a missing piece was found and put back in the right spot. Yet the stay itself was just a few days and before I knew it I was sending him back on the plane to his mom. This is the way it will be and I shouldn't complain because it could be worse. As I work with my ex I have made the relationship with my son stronger and stronger. She has been great and I have to thank her for that.
When he landed he was happy but sad and emotional that he left me and my heart felt for him. I'm looking forward to the next trip he makes out here. His trip gave me a recharge of life and I love it and I want it again. Got me focused again some how. Maybe because I want to him to be proud and know when he is here all is good. Plus I want to be able to afford for him to come out here again sooner then later. I have the incentives now I just have to execute it which is always the fun part but I will. Despite the fact that the money well is dry I will find a new well some how and take care of him.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
Friends and Time
Time passes and so do the people in my life. I guess I should just except it even though I wish I could control. I want to feel like I have my life figured out but as always I'm proven wrong again and again.
To keep friendships in the fresh state is hard either because I choose I don't want to or visa versa. I'm generally what I tend to call a reflective friend. Meaning that I generally put into the friendship whatever the other one does. Some times more while other times less but generally I'm reflective.
The problem I find and time has proven me this over and over again. People settle in and just put the freshness of the relationship on a back burner. Not be a hypocrite I catch myself doing it as well but I still hate it.
In the past few months new friendships have been entering my world, others blossoming and sadly some are just fading into the background. I'm ok with some but not ok with others. That being said I'm excepting it as hard as it may be, its life and I know I will move on.
To end on a happy note I had one person enter my life that I am so happy she did. She has just been a great breath of fresh air and yes it sounds all gay but I don't care ....LOL. She's a friend I want to keep around because like a rare diamond they are hard to come by :)
To keep friendships in the fresh state is hard either because I choose I don't want to or visa versa. I'm generally what I tend to call a reflective friend. Meaning that I generally put into the friendship whatever the other one does. Some times more while other times less but generally I'm reflective.
The problem I find and time has proven me this over and over again. People settle in and just put the freshness of the relationship on a back burner. Not be a hypocrite I catch myself doing it as well but I still hate it.
In the past few months new friendships have been entering my world, others blossoming and sadly some are just fading into the background. I'm ok with some but not ok with others. That being said I'm excepting it as hard as it may be, its life and I know I will move on.
To end on a happy note I had one person enter my life that I am so happy she did. She has just been a great breath of fresh air and yes it sounds all gay but I don't care ....LOL. She's a friend I want to keep around because like a rare diamond they are hard to come by :)
Monday, January 25, 2010
::: It Rains Today :::
t rains today as my smile washes away
Walking in puddles of sadness, the clouds cry.
I look up & see an ugly grey covering today,
The frown of today makes the happiness of before seem like a lie.
I'm reaching point where the smile is aging,
Looking in the mirror my lips are boring.
Am I happy for no reason, sounds debating,
Losing control again this is en raging.
What went wrong that I feel my head slipping,
Who flipped the switch from good to bad?
Who made KM go from happy to sad?
The spark is dying my shirt I'll be ripping.
I study the past few months where everything was right,
Compare it to now but it barley sheds light.
I place my energy on the days of today,
I sit here in silence and try to understand the saddening way.
I come up with the issues I had all along and just a few new ones,
Wonder to myself if I was happy with reason.
Should I laugh at the fool I was or were those happy ones?
I was real happy ... My smile guilty of treason.
It rains today as my smile washes away
Walking in puddles of sadness, the clouds cry.
I look up & see an ugly grey covering today,
The frown of today makes the happiness of before seem like a lie.
Walking in puddles of sadness, the clouds cry.
I look up & see an ugly grey covering today,
The frown of today makes the happiness of before seem like a lie.
I'm reaching point where the smile is aging,
Looking in the mirror my lips are boring.
Am I happy for no reason, sounds debating,
Losing control again this is en raging.
What went wrong that I feel my head slipping,
Who flipped the switch from good to bad?
Who made KM go from happy to sad?
The spark is dying my shirt I'll be ripping.
I study the past few months where everything was right,
Compare it to now but it barley sheds light.
I place my energy on the days of today,
I sit here in silence and try to understand the saddening way.
I come up with the issues I had all along and just a few new ones,
Wonder to myself if I was happy with reason.
Should I laugh at the fool I was or were those happy ones?
I was real happy ... My smile guilty of treason.
It rains today as my smile washes away
Walking in puddles of sadness, the clouds cry.
I look up & see an ugly grey covering today,
The frown of today makes the happiness of before seem like a lie.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Life Changes
Funny how time changes everything. Things that were, aren't anymore, well at least different. That is just the ways of human nature and I include myself in that too. I am fortunate to have so many people in my life that I am exposed to so many ways they interact with others. Like a large science experiment I can watch and monitor how people do what they do and why. It just sucks when you are loving one way of life and one day u wake up and notice something is off. You let it go at first but it starts to eat at you as for the reason why. You come to find out that over time things have changed and of course things won't stay the same because that's just the way life is however you notice how far things have gone. Will it ever be the way it was ... I don't think so but can it go back to the way that will still be great.
In new relationships regardless if its with a boy friend or girlfriend, job, friendship or anything else you have the honeymoon period. Titled that because of how great it is and the feelings you get in return. Once that is over your left with a relationship that will stay strong only if energy and determination is paced into it. It takes both sides to keep the foundation strong and allow the the relationship to shine.
I find myself in a bad position in life because when I'm in a solid relationship with a person, job, etc I put allot into it and expect the same in return and in most cases I don't get the same return. I know I have failed others who invest more then I do so don't claim to always be the best at giving the return. So why do I continue to do what I do ... Well what I generally do after a while I with draw back into my cave where I don't feel like I'm vulnerable to get hurt. Its a defense I use and it's not always the best thing to do but it's where I feel safe.
Life is interesting :)
In new relationships regardless if its with a boy friend or girlfriend, job, friendship or anything else you have the honeymoon period. Titled that because of how great it is and the feelings you get in return. Once that is over your left with a relationship that will stay strong only if energy and determination is paced into it. It takes both sides to keep the foundation strong and allow the the relationship to shine.
I find myself in a bad position in life because when I'm in a solid relationship with a person, job, etc I put allot into it and expect the same in return and in most cases I don't get the same return. I know I have failed others who invest more then I do so don't claim to always be the best at giving the return. So why do I continue to do what I do ... Well what I generally do after a while I with draw back into my cave where I don't feel like I'm vulnerable to get hurt. Its a defense I use and it's not always the best thing to do but it's where I feel safe.
Life is interesting :)
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
I'm Happy
It's been a while since I've been here and I miss this place as cheesy as that may sound. So to give an update to myself and any others that care to read, here it is.
I have been working allot and keeping real busy these days which is both good and a little not good. My roommate and myself are really clicking in a way we never did before. I'm happy, that's right I'm happy. My best friend and I closer and I really can't see not having her in my life. My son is in a good place with his mom and I get along great with her. Can be a bit weird at times but we still get along.
I'm meeting more people, doing more and appreciating life. I hope to have more of these posts in the future ahead of me. :)
- KM
I have been working allot and keeping real busy these days which is both good and a little not good. My roommate and myself are really clicking in a way we never did before. I'm happy, that's right I'm happy. My best friend and I closer and I really can't see not having her in my life. My son is in a good place with his mom and I get along great with her. Can be a bit weird at times but we still get along.
I'm meeting more people, doing more and appreciating life. I hope to have more of these posts in the future ahead of me. :)
- KM
Saturday, November 7, 2009
::: Withdrawals ::: (never finished)
I wrote this a while back when I was feeling down. Anyways I was looking at it and decided to post it anyways. Well here it is.
"Withdrawals" is what he said
the word hit the nail on the head
not sleeping in the same bed
gravity of reality, full of lead.
The reality is my head is on fire
everything is ok .... I'm a liar
looking for the extinguisher, yet I'm blind
hands tied behind my back in life's bind.
Looking for answers and all I find are signs
Directing to new doors and their long lines
All I need now is the courage to get on it
Pray I choose the right door and move away from the pit.
Yet I lay in my bed like picked flowers
Seconds turn to minutes and they to hours
No water to keep me alive, no sun or fresh air
time keeps passing and my petals just disappear.
Looking for some energy to move on
however I can't get passed my lawn
but it's now or never not whenever
"Withdrawals" is what he said
the word hit the nail on the head
not sleeping in the same bed
gravity of reality, full of lead.
The reality is my head is on fire
everything is ok .... I'm a liar
looking for the extinguisher, yet I'm blind
hands tied behind my back in life's bind.
Looking for answers and all I find are signs
Directing to new doors and their long lines
All I need now is the courage to get on it
Pray I choose the right door and move away from the pit.
Yet I lay in my bed like picked flowers
Seconds turn to minutes and they to hours
No water to keep me alive, no sun or fresh air
time keeps passing and my petals just disappear.
Looking for some energy to move on
however I can't get passed my lawn
but it's now or never not whenever
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Figuring it out ... i think
The clouds are clearing up as the puddles remain of what is left of the rain. I'm starting to except the reality and understand it is ok to feel this way. Everything has its reasons despite if I understand it or not or if it's a good or bad. So new roads I will find and new doors will open as old ones close. This is just a new channel line up for me and it will take time for me to get used to everything but I will be ok. As ths is a process I'm going through I still am looking for answers to most of my issues hahaha yup issues that I have.
I wish there was some way to reset my world and see if things would be any different. Would I be happier or worse off then now. Of course if it's my destiny then I'm fucked ... Well just stuck here.
So I look for tomorrow as I hope rays of good things to happen but my faith isn't with my prays as I have been let down far to many times. I don't want to get hopes murdered again so I wait. What will be, what will be.
I wish there was some way to reset my world and see if things would be any different. Would I be happier or worse off then now. Of course if it's my destiny then I'm fucked ... Well just stuck here.
So I look for tomorrow as I hope rays of good things to happen but my faith isn't with my prays as I have been let down far to many times. I don't want to get hopes murdered again so I wait. What will be, what will be.
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