Happiness

You try to be happy, you try to make everyone happy ..... but you can't.

You focus on making just everyone happy and put yourself to the side .....you still can't

You give your finger to the world and just focus on making yourself happy ..... your happy and surprisingly others around are happy too. Are they all happy? No but then again who gives, it's about you now.

---

We are always out there trying to do our best to make everyone happy and assuming if we can do that we will be happy. I tried that for years and was left with just shattered pieces of my life in front of me. After seeing how hard I believe I worked on making this perfect world around me and that everyone was taken care of it fell apart. I tried to just focus on others and again it shattered in my face. It was than that I was so frustrated at myself and the world that I just said screw everyone it's all about me. To my surprise I was happy and the people in my life that I actually care about were happy for me as well and the pieces kept falling into place.

Is everything perfect now? Of course not and I have a long way to go but I do have faith now that I can be truly happy on the inside and the smile I walk around with will actually be true to my feelings.

I of course am not telling everyone to be selfish to be happy because each to there own but people that share similar traits like I do and just try to please all the time might find strength in being selfish a bit. I say give it a shot before your world comes crashing down on you.

Have a good day all ;)

♥

I have had dreams and I do believe them ..... I will die of a heart attack.






- KM

Dear God

Avenged Sevenfold has some amazing songs and their song "Dear God" is one of their best pieces of art.

Dear God the only thing I ask of you
Is to hold her when I'm not around
When I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again, oh no
Once again

I dedicate those borrowed lyrics to the angel I will one day find. :)

A New Chapter

It's been a while but I'm back and now I start new again. On the 28 I turned 30 and I had a great time as my friends all made parties for me. From a week before in Detroit to steak house in NYC to be followed by a pre-game party with my room mate and her friends and finishing with an all night part at Columbus 72. I couldn't have asked for more ... I mean I'm sure I could have ....LOL.

So I started this new chapter by being sick in bed for 2 days and still not 100% as I write this so it can only get better from here :) right? right? hmmmmmmm. Time will tell. At the same time I finally finished school oh god was that one pain I wont miss. Now I just have to get into the academy and I'm good to go :D

I'm a father .... I think ...

I'm a father ... at least that is what I'm told. I wouldn't know because I never see my son. He lives in Michigan and I live in New York. I go there once a month though I don't call him much because he being 7 are conversations last for maybe a few minutes before silence. I feel I try but who knows I hear it's not enough, I pay more than required for child support and when I visit we are spending every second with each other. I design and write a news letter now once a month and I send it to Ozzy but I have no idea if he likes it or not.

I do not feel like his dad but more like a concerned uncle. I hate it and I can't explain it but what goes through my head makes me angry, depressed and lost. Of course everyone is going to tell me that's not true but non of them experienced what I'm going through or should. It's easy to say I'm his dad but saying and feeling are two different things all together.

Like I told my brother in law I'm not asking for a line violins ... maybe one ...lol but I'm so frustrated. I feel alone on this and day after day it only gets worse. I'm so lost but whatever ... I head out to Michigan for this weekend even though I was asked not to go ....shoot me now.

Trust

Trust is something hard to come by these days. Telling somebody something and expecting them to keep it inside is unlikely. Trusting your partner to be who they claim they are, straight up individual who wont lie or cheat. Coworkers blowing up your spot about an interview you went on or something you did.

Why is trust so hard to come by? Did people change so much over time? It seems like it is excepted in today's age and that its normal to be lied to. The more lies that go around and the more okay it gets the more and more we will see it happen. Like the economy today it is only going to get worse before it gets better.

Being divorced is not only expected these days but cool. Hell, I'm divorced and it doesn't faze anybody. Not that staying in bad marriage is a good thing but it seems like we run faster than fixing. Research shows us that today's generations expect immediate results and not that it is breaking news or anything but that is now the norm. When people are at a job that might have an issue the first thing is to look for another job. In a relationship that is getting rocky and you start looking for
the door or for someone on the side. Friends piss you off and you throw the friendship out.

I would be lying if I said I did it all right. I've thrown friendships out, looked for new jobs as soon as I got annoyed. I did not however screw my relationship because when your cheated on that I believe is a valid reason to throw it out. Does that mean I wont ruin a relationship when it gets ruff ... I have not done that and hope never to walk away as a result of some issues.

Society as a whole is a mess but that does make those honest ones that much greater and harder to find. I would think people would strive to be better but instead I see people working on being "hard" and the "I don't give a shit" attitude. Why I'm not sure but society has work on themselves including myself to reach higher levels and not lower street levels. Any who that is my lil rant for the day.

::: I Stand Alone :::

I feel like I'm losing my grip
all I'm left is with this pit.
A pit that makes me insane,
as it grows I feel much pain.

Left alone with my thoughts,
building a house by myself,
fly away, so start flapping
... it's just not happening.

There is a war inside me,
killing each other is solving nothing
Like the Middle East I see no peace,
Just blood dripping, souls dying.

EMT's can't fix me,
it's time for the ER
Get me their soon for I see the light,
light of frustration, anger & Pain

How can that be?
My eyes must be lying!
The light should be warm and inviting,
not full of hatred and souls dying.

I reach my hands up to the sky,
a prayer runs from my lips.
A message to the great one above,
Help me, all I want is some love.

My pride is still alive,
fighting for real estate.
Not much left worth buying,
quitting is not an option nor is dying.

I will fight this fight
as painful as it might get.
My spirit still has hope
I'll go on, don't want your rope.

Will I win who knows,
the pain goes to my toes.
flames burning at my soul
matter of time before it's coal.

How I turn out wont matter
just how far I got up the ladder.
Every rung of life, harder to climb
not climbing .... just wasting time.

This journey is my own,
must go on it alone.
Support always appreciated,
Life and death are related.

I reach my hands up to the sky,
a prayer runs from my lips.
to the angels in the sky
Help me up don't let me die.