Lost in my head

I feel like if I go to the right I hurt and get hurt and if I go to the left I get the same results. If I do neither I will expire and cease to exist.

I reach down and see if I can find an ejection cord but hand comes up empty. Swear pours down face and I taste my own fear. Frustration is at a level I reach rarely.

The saga continues of this fucked up life I lead. Maybe one day I will figure it out or not. I just hope I so before its to late.

So confused

I'm feeling so lost and confused. Not sure what to do but i know everyday I sit here I'm getting into a deeper hole. Should I stay and invest more or leave and take the time invested as a loss. So frustrated I just want to get drunk and never wake up -_-

Friday turned crazy

What a day from 7am to 3pm. Work work and more work was pulling up and I was treading to stay afloat. Some how we did it and finished the day, the week and the late nights on the dock.

We drank in honor of our success and the stress we once knew was now asleep. Coronas and shots of rum entertained our tongues. Cigarettes we light as we pulled in the air of the weekend. This is our day, we got paid and the money was nice hahaha music was the sound of our blood.

Soon the day ended and off we all went to enjoy our two days of freedom and that's how our day ended.

All seemed so well but mine ended with a crash. Fuck me and my life.

It's tough

It's hard to make someone's sadness change. I try but it's hard.

I need advice as I'm lost in the negative when all she needs is positive.

::: "What if god was one of us" :::

So true what would he do?
Would he fight the fight or call out
Would he stay under the blanket or pop out.
Could he deal with the stress or run too.

Sitting in my world I try to understand
What I should and could do
Stand on the side or join the band
Walk the streets alone or with you.

Either way ill never know
I hope I make the right choice
God helps me from stepping on my toe
Better yet he gives me a voice

::: Pain :::

Pain in my heart
Pain pumps through my blood
How can I part
How can clean my blood

Cut my my throat
Let me bleed
Take it all away, remove my coat
Take some happiness and plant a seed

This is my pain
This is my life
Exit from this lain
Let happiness be my wife.

Music calms me
Drinking helps me
Change will save me
Love will make me

Lost in the fog.

Seems like I'm always coming here when I my life is upside down. Who knows if this is a form of therapy for me or not but it kinda helps.

Lately things seem to be worse and I'm not sure where to even turn. I feel I exhausted all my outlets and I'm running on fumes. No one to talk to or that I feel comfortable enough to talk 100% openly.

My dreams of being free from these problems are fading as well. My mind has allowed the nightmares to take over. Trying to sleep seems like a life for the more fortunate and I can only hope to get back to those nights.

I sign off with little hope but the tears of a child waiting and praying for his time to be free.

-_-

Blah -_-

What’s happening to me? Why is it everything I touch turns to dust?

The financial crisis I’m in, the NYPD dream is pretty much dead. My design career is expired and I work in a warehouse making Mickey Mouse money x_X

My dating life is twisted to say the least. I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing or getting myself into. I’m riding it through because I like her so much. I’m hooked on her because she makes me so happy and all the depressing shit in my life seems like nothing but an itch. She just makes me feel ok and the happiest person in the world.

So what now … who knows I just hope it all gets better.

::: My Heart Cries a Dark Red :::

Still alive yet I feel dead
My heart cries a dark red
Can’t wipe those tears away
I hold my heart and pray.


Muscles tense, blood filed with hurt
Nothing to hold, hands filled with dirt
Eyes scanning for hope as they flood with tears
History shows pain after all these years.


I try to control the war in my head
wanting to run, feet feel like lead
Thoughts running wild,
wishing I can be free, …be a child.


Hating myself for feeling this way
These were my choices, I now pay
Trying to dissect these emotions
Why surprised this is no revelation.


Cut me, I want to feel alive
looking for life’s keys, let me drive
bleed from my skin and not my heart
Life, pain and love, help me set them apart.


Tomorrow, we all say is another day
Done with feeling sad and being gray
I need a fresh start, passed this shit pile
Fight it will be to move forward with a smile.


Still alive yet I feel dead
My heart cries a dark red
Can’t wipe those tears away
I hold my heart and pray.

Burning Ass ...LOL

It's funny how life leads you down a winding road with few warning. We try to prepare for it but it doesnt seem to always work out so were told to make the best of it. Easier said then done. My boss quotes his dad "just because his ass is burning, doesnt make my burning ass feel better". Such a true statement.

Set Free

I don't know if I'm ready but I'm going to do it. I'm going to let them be free or I should really I'm going to set my self free from them.

For a long time now I have had this protective or whatever it may be over them. As a result I feel stupid about it. I assume others have said it but now I'm ready or almost ready to say goodbye to this hold I have.

Writing this alone feels liberating and I hope I can follow through with it :)

::: Devil in the Walls :::

Darkness has covered the sky

My mind has retired with the sun

Clock ticks, seconds pass by

Feel stuck in place, wishing I could run

Hoping it’s a dream yet it’s not

Devil in the walls of my room

Blanket around me, stomach in a knot

The feeling of laying in my own tomb

I may be a man yet I fear like a child

Sit up and curl into the darkness

My thoughts drugged, running wild

Seems like this life is hopeless

My life is heading in the black hole

I scream but no sound comes out

The devil laughs, eyes glowing red coals

Seeing tomorrows sun …I now do doubt

Dark shadows moving in the dark

Kill me if you want, you wont take soul

Yet I feel death circling like a shark

Is this the end …. The last toll?

I say good bye

I hold you in my heart

I wont cry, I’m ready to die

I will miss you but my soul will never part.

Lost in the world

The more and more that I try to understand myself the more confused I get. I try so hard to understand why I'm doing and acting this way and I get more confused. I can't help but just wish I could go back to the world of me bottling up everything and being fake with the myself and the world.

I have so many issues that it's scaring me to a whole new level. I continue to think that I should move to Chicago to get away from this all. If only I can get the courage to do so. I just want to start over and I know if I move I would have no choice but to do that. I feel like everything I touch is crumbling around me and I remain standing as I witness the destruction. From my career to my love life, my friends and family and everything I just can't help but believe that I failed. As a result my insecurities are on over drive and making me a act and feel in ways I never used too.

What do I do? Who do I talk too? I'm stuck because I'm just embarrassed talking about most of my issues and I don't anyone can truly understand me. My tongue is tied with emotion. It's so frustrating and I just want it to get better before it gets worse. Everyone would tell me that I have to fix it but I don't know how or I'm just that bad at taking charge of my own life. Can I blame anyone but myself? I guess not though even if I could would it make a difference or change anything? Of course not.

I can have a great time like I did this past weekend but wake the day after down because its over. Not really explaining it well but almost like after such a great high it followed by a downer.

I'm changing for the worse and I don't know how to get control of the reins of the horse that is my emotions.

I sit here in my bed feeling so frustrated and angry at myself. I want to just let all this bull shit out but I can't. Why? Because like I said before it wont change the situation just make it worse because I will sound crazy. Oh well tomorrow is another day that I will find time to think and dissect myself and see what other issues I may have.

I feel like crying as gay as that may sound but it's true but then I think about it and I know it wont help me in any way, shape or form. So I laugh like I do best.

::: No Trust :::

Who am I?
Who are they?
Is it one lie?
Are they what they say?

Blinded by my heart
My eyes are useless
My choices are art
Art of a drunk mess

They act one way
To your face another
Trust changing from day to day
Music of my life couldn't be farther.

How do I go on
How do I face tomorrow
When lies of the past days dawn
Confuses the sunset that follows.

Is it me? Am I lost in the mist?
Which path do I take? Either way I pay a toll.
Take a blade, slit my wrist
Blood dripping or just pain pouring from my soul

I hate what realty has done
Trust blown away in the storm
Looks like the devil won
When will my trust be reborn

I end this for its hard to continue
This chapter will close with rain
next chapter the sky is blue
No clouds, no storm just free of pain.

::: Butterfly :::

I found this butterfly almost two years ago
she was so pretty and cute and wanted her forever.
I placed her in a jar and her aura did glow
this was my butterfly ... let her go? NEVER.

All I wanted was to be a butterfly with her
fly from here to there and let our wings dance all night.
See what she sees, taste what she tastes along side her
so I dreamed at night, day dreamed all day of how to make us right.

Hours into days, sunsets into nights
time continued to fly by.
I did whatever I could to make wrongs into rights
Make her feel the way she made me smile ...no lie.

Reality of course is not one that ends right
this butterfly had to be set free
She knew it, I knew she was right
beauty of earth waiting for her to see.

Off she went to a world filled with happiness and heart break
I stayed back in my world, observing from a distance
reminiscing of the great times we shared and new ones we'll make
watching her fly and dance in the sun, no resistance.

Amazing is this butterfly and best friends are we
despite the fact she isn't mine
This is her world and she must be free to see
When she comes by priceless is our time

I can't help to always want to protect her
be there for her and shelter her from the rain
Dry off her wings and chase away that can hurt her
Though she must discover the world on her own, the happiness and the pain.

I must accept the truth for in the end I only hurt myself
letting go just isn't easy these days.
perhaps I'm selfish to want to keep the butterfly for myself
learn to love but let go in the worlds complicated maze.

This isn't a good bye
just my thoughts written in a rhyme
love one another, we all die
Share your love but set free your butterflies when its the right time.

No trust any more.

It never amazes me any more of the dog eat dog world we live in. People come to you with a problem and you feel bad for them. Take a step back and they are doing the same thing that someone is doing to them to you. So what do you say and better yet how do you trust .... More and more I find myself closing up to everyone around me. How can you trust anymore?

Yes I'm speaking vague but this is about me so I know what I'm talking about. Bottom line, your friends are fucks just like your enemies. However your enemies are out to fuck you over but you know it. Your friends do it behind your back.

In conclusion, man the fuck up amd just say what's on your mind. If I don't like it fine but at the very least your being honest. Doing it behind my back just makes so much more annoyed and push you away from me.

Fuck me for believing in others and giving the benefit of the doubt

Understanding Me

Thinking way to much these days,

Finally making some headway.

I try to be honest with myself as much as possible despite how much it sucks at times. This past weekend I realized new things about me. About the people around me and what I should do however I know it's easier said then done.

I'm aware now how insecure I am these days ... I always was but it explained a few things to me. I see why I was feeling more insecure and it hit me like a smack to the back of my head. My head like a rubix cube was finally another step closer to figuring out who I am.

The sun came out behind the clouds to expose more reality. So now I'm running wild on some BS but the point in this whole discovery ...LOL. I have to be strong and focus on me and leave Mr. Nice guy home. Be responsible and get shit together.

How to get in order is what I have to figure out. Crawl, walk then run as they say, so I will see how it goes. As I crawl and take it slow I willhope that I make right decisions that benifit ME despite it hurts others. I have just been trying to take care of the world, well the people around me and as a result been killing myself. If I continue in my old ways I will gone not able to help anyone.

Not Spanish

I have been trying to avoid the fact that I am Spanish in the sense that I love it so much and I dont want to. I dont want to because I cant fit in as much as I try that I just gave up. That being said I love the Spanish culture and its killing me as I find myself as an outsider :(

So what do I do I do from where I stand. I have no clue but I will hang in there as much as possible. Just sucks.

Good people in this world too

The other day I went to do my taxes. I decided to go to H&R Block because their price was so cheap ($70) in comparison to my regular accountant I used forever ($125). With little to no money every cent counts so I did just that.

I sit down and do the taxes and before I knew it we were done and I was just happy I did it it was finally out of my hair. In fact i was going to get back after all is said and done around $1000! Ok so Mr. James was cool as hell the whole time BSing with me and then he clicks the mouse. "So your balance is $188 Sam". Like getting hit with a bat to my happiness I swallowed all the joy I just had. I told him that the sign by the front said it would be $29 for state and $39 for federal and my taxes couldn't be simpilar. I didn't work all year I mean seriously WTF!

Chalk this up to a huge waste of my time and accepting the fact that I will have to pay $125 to my regular accountant IF I can get an appointment. I pleaded and explaind to him that the only reason I went there in the first place was because of the price and my regular accountant did mine for $125. He did it for me and my ex and that was a way more complicated in H&R world then my 1 page W2 from unemployment. He agrees with me but sadly says this is the price. He gets up to see if he can do anything about it.

He comes back and and he tells me "I spoke to the manager and it was $188 but now it will be less". I see on his screen $20 pop in under the $188 so in my head I'm thinking great he got $20 off the tab. I still only had $80 in my pocket which sucked either way. So I ask him "so how much?" and he says $20. "What do you mean $20? $20 dollars off?" I asked. "No the whole bill is only $20".

I was shocked and motionless I mean $20 is just crazy. He then explained to me that H&R Block has a friend and family plan for their own accountants and they may do their friends and family for $20 which he makes $0 I think. I was so thankful he did that for a complete stranger and that he believed in me that yes I was truly broke. You just don't meet people like that but when you do your taken by suprise.

So that was that, I tipped him $20 so it cost me $40 in total and I just had to share this to give hope to others. Hope in others that there are good people out there and to encourage yourselfs to help others like I was helped.

Makes me feel all fuzzy inside ...LOL :)

A-Boooooo

Talking with my mom just reminded me of how much of a mess my life is according to her and not far from the mess I believe I'm in. We were talking about relationships and the bullshit involved which in return of course brought up to my head of the hard time I am having. Every girl I have liked in the past few years has been a waste of my time. They never like me the way I like them and at most they wish to remain "friends" with me. It is the life I lead and it just leaves me with a sadness inside me but whatever.

I hate how I feel but I have no choice but to just move on and deal with it a-booooo.