The Odd One Out

Ever since I can remember I have been different than the ones around me. Over time I took this insecurity and made it my identity where I pride myself to be different but even these days I still get that insecurity to haunt me. So I'm writing this because these feelings still power me and haunt me and they are feeling really strong.

From elementary school I was the only "non white" in my school with no resemblance to the typical European Jewish kids that I would see all around me. As I got older it would be more bothersome because other kids would point it out or even question if I was Jewish. Did it hurt yes but grew stronger to a point were I had it locked down with the best responses to satisfy them and move on the next conversation at hand. There were days I would just wonder how I could change the color of my skin just so I could fit in. My brother who was adopted was as typical white as can be and had no problems in that regard. I was the one who stuck out in the family photos it was me, the odd one out.

I would hate the sun as it would make me darker but I couldn't hide from so I just excepted it. My parents who I do love would never except me being different and always told I was just like everyone else. Was I? "NO I was different", I would yell inside my head but that is where the cries would end as did most of my issues. Everything was never a problem with my parents since they always painted the perfect picture for the world to see. Do I blame them? Yes and No because in reality it would not have changed who I was.

I would watch friends of mine and see how perfect their families were from the outside looking in. They all just had so much fun and would wonder why my family was nothing like that. Mom or dad never hugged me, touched me, said anything emotional to me as simple as a “I love you”. We were a family but not. To this day when I see my dad I shake his hand and my mother I just say “hi” or “goodbye” as I come and go. Go to any other family and it would the opposite, they would act like the family I wished I had and never did and I know I never will. The only thing I can do is hope to create my own family … Well I tried once and now all three of us live in different state. Great job KM.

As I got older and my independence grew I headed out to the world and would continue to look for the world I belonged. I remember being in Denver Colorado where I went to high school and went down to Sloans Lake where I loved to hang out by myself. I was watching all these South American's playing soccer and I felt a comfort being around them. I can't explain it but it was a feeling I got that was drawing me closer but soon as that feeling came over me another one did as well. These people were all speaking Spanish, their culture was a totally different than mine and as always I had nothing in common with them except my skin.

When I meet my ex wife I was so happy because I knew I saved myself the foreseen torture of dating in the religious world. That torture I speak of is what my mom was planning on doing by setting me up to go on these blind dates and I knew that being adopted was an issue, being Colombian was an issue and of course because I do not have any Jewish blood in me would just be a deal breaker for most religious Jews. I would stress about the day and wonder what I would do and knowing my parents they would not want me to share this information in the beginning especially on the first date. So when I found a girl to marry myself who accepted me for everything I was and was not made me feel like the richest man in the world.

Oh how life can kick you in the ass. Fast forward to present day Brooklyn, NY I am a totally different person than I was back then. Divorced, single, no family, the only blood I know is 500 miles away etc. That being said I have grown over the years especially in the past two. I’m proud of who I am, color of my skin, the blood inside me. I have more Spanish speaking friends than anything else. Yes I still can’t speak the language though I wish I could I get by. I love learning about their cultures and this and that. So now life is great right?!?!

No great would be a lie but life is good. I have my health, my parents and some of the best friends I can ask for and that is how I’m living and I hope it can only get better from here.

The other day I was at this Dominican party and just watching how this huge family was having so much fun of course I felt so awkward but I forced myself as I do just stick it through because I know it’s the right thing to do. Standing there as always with my mind running wild I was thinking about the last conversation I had with my mother. She was talking to me about getting me married again and how she has some people in mind etc. This fear that I had back in high school resurfaced and the anxiety kicked in. What can I do because I can already see the future of this. My mom setting me up with these girls that I guarantee will not want me and I know I won’t want them. The most embarrassing part will be because of my so called flaws I have which include my blood, color and now my past. Again I will be the odd one out.

So what do I do now …. I don’t know.