Blah -_-

What’s happening to me? Why is it everything I touch turns to dust?

The financial crisis I’m in, the NYPD dream is pretty much dead. My design career is expired and I work in a warehouse making Mickey Mouse money x_X

My dating life is twisted to say the least. I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing or getting myself into. I’m riding it through because I like her so much. I’m hooked on her because she makes me so happy and all the depressing shit in my life seems like nothing but an itch. She just makes me feel ok and the happiest person in the world.

So what now … who knows I just hope it all gets better.

::: My Heart Cries a Dark Red :::

Still alive yet I feel dead
My heart cries a dark red
Can’t wipe those tears away
I hold my heart and pray.


Muscles tense, blood filed with hurt
Nothing to hold, hands filled with dirt
Eyes scanning for hope as they flood with tears
History shows pain after all these years.


I try to control the war in my head
wanting to run, feet feel like lead
Thoughts running wild,
wishing I can be free, …be a child.


Hating myself for feeling this way
These were my choices, I now pay
Trying to dissect these emotions
Why surprised this is no revelation.


Cut me, I want to feel alive
looking for life’s keys, let me drive
bleed from my skin and not my heart
Life, pain and love, help me set them apart.


Tomorrow, we all say is another day
Done with feeling sad and being gray
I need a fresh start, passed this shit pile
Fight it will be to move forward with a smile.


Still alive yet I feel dead
My heart cries a dark red
Can’t wipe those tears away
I hold my heart and pray.

Burning Ass ...LOL

It's funny how life leads you down a winding road with few warning. We try to prepare for it but it doesnt seem to always work out so were told to make the best of it. Easier said then done. My boss quotes his dad "just because his ass is burning, doesnt make my burning ass feel better". Such a true statement.

Set Free

I don't know if I'm ready but I'm going to do it. I'm going to let them be free or I should really I'm going to set my self free from them.

For a long time now I have had this protective or whatever it may be over them. As a result I feel stupid about it. I assume others have said it but now I'm ready or almost ready to say goodbye to this hold I have.

Writing this alone feels liberating and I hope I can follow through with it :)

::: Devil in the Walls :::

Darkness has covered the sky

My mind has retired with the sun

Clock ticks, seconds pass by

Feel stuck in place, wishing I could run

Hoping it’s a dream yet it’s not

Devil in the walls of my room

Blanket around me, stomach in a knot

The feeling of laying in my own tomb

I may be a man yet I fear like a child

Sit up and curl into the darkness

My thoughts drugged, running wild

Seems like this life is hopeless

My life is heading in the black hole

I scream but no sound comes out

The devil laughs, eyes glowing red coals

Seeing tomorrows sun …I now do doubt

Dark shadows moving in the dark

Kill me if you want, you wont take soul

Yet I feel death circling like a shark

Is this the end …. The last toll?

I say good bye

I hold you in my heart

I wont cry, I’m ready to die

I will miss you but my soul will never part.

Lost in the world

The more and more that I try to understand myself the more confused I get. I try so hard to understand why I'm doing and acting this way and I get more confused. I can't help but just wish I could go back to the world of me bottling up everything and being fake with the myself and the world.

I have so many issues that it's scaring me to a whole new level. I continue to think that I should move to Chicago to get away from this all. If only I can get the courage to do so. I just want to start over and I know if I move I would have no choice but to do that. I feel like everything I touch is crumbling around me and I remain standing as I witness the destruction. From my career to my love life, my friends and family and everything I just can't help but believe that I failed. As a result my insecurities are on over drive and making me a act and feel in ways I never used too.

What do I do? Who do I talk too? I'm stuck because I'm just embarrassed talking about most of my issues and I don't anyone can truly understand me. My tongue is tied with emotion. It's so frustrating and I just want it to get better before it gets worse. Everyone would tell me that I have to fix it but I don't know how or I'm just that bad at taking charge of my own life. Can I blame anyone but myself? I guess not though even if I could would it make a difference or change anything? Of course not.

I can have a great time like I did this past weekend but wake the day after down because its over. Not really explaining it well but almost like after such a great high it followed by a downer.

I'm changing for the worse and I don't know how to get control of the reins of the horse that is my emotions.

I sit here in my bed feeling so frustrated and angry at myself. I want to just let all this bull shit out but I can't. Why? Because like I said before it wont change the situation just make it worse because I will sound crazy. Oh well tomorrow is another day that I will find time to think and dissect myself and see what other issues I may have.

I feel like crying as gay as that may sound but it's true but then I think about it and I know it wont help me in any way, shape or form. So I laugh like I do best.

::: No Trust :::

Who am I?
Who are they?
Is it one lie?
Are they what they say?

Blinded by my heart
My eyes are useless
My choices are art
Art of a drunk mess

They act one way
To your face another
Trust changing from day to day
Music of my life couldn't be farther.

How do I go on
How do I face tomorrow
When lies of the past days dawn
Confuses the sunset that follows.

Is it me? Am I lost in the mist?
Which path do I take? Either way I pay a toll.
Take a blade, slit my wrist
Blood dripping or just pain pouring from my soul

I hate what realty has done
Trust blown away in the storm
Looks like the devil won
When will my trust be reborn

I end this for its hard to continue
This chapter will close with rain
next chapter the sky is blue
No clouds, no storm just free of pain.