Talking with my mom just reminded me of how much of a mess my life is according to her and not far from the mess I believe I'm in. We were talking about relationships and the bullshit involved which in return of course brought up to my head of the hard time I am having. Every girl I have liked in the past few years has been a waste of my time. They never like me the way I like them and at most they wish to remain "friends" with me. It is the life I lead and it just leaves me with a sadness inside me but whatever.
I hate how I feel but I have no choice but to just move on and deal with it a-booooo.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
30 was yesterday
In a few days I will be 31 years old and I can't help but look back at the past year. Interesting it was, with many ups and downs. As bad as the downs were the ups were way amazing making me want to go on and look for the next day and forgetting the bad ones.
This past Saturday night I through my party and had an amazing time. My best friend was there which was awesome especially because I couldn't but worry that she wouldn't be able to get in. So many of my friends came and it meant allot to me to see the support I have in my life. The party went off with a bang and didn't stop until the lights when on. It was another party I had that I will always remember.
Of course I'm not here just to blab about my silly party but because that night as I closed my eyes my head began to spin. Lucky for me I fell asleep before it got crazy however when I woke up I was feeling weird. As I lay in my bed I was thinking and diagnosing what the issue was. I mean how can there be an issue when I just partied so much and had a great night. After a bit more poking around I realized what it was and with my luck it was something that used to haunt me.
I was lonely ....
Despite how good I felt with having all these great people around me they still weren't part of me. What I mean is simply, I am all alone as I close my eyes and when I wake up. There are people in my ife that fill that void to an extent but not enough to keep the loneliness away.
As I discovered that this was the root of my reality it became depressingly clear that I was still single. I mean not that it was some type of shattering news but the feeling of being all alone I guess is magnetized on important times in your life like your birthday. Sleep alone, wake up alone and acknowledge that your alone. So break out the violin if you like ...LOL but it was really casting a shadow over me and it just made me feel really down. I know its life but it can just sting more on some days more so than others.
Happy Birthday To Me ....Boooooo
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Far Apart
He came and it was if a missing piece was found and put back in the right spot. Yet the stay itself was just a few days and before I knew it I was sending him back on the plane to his mom. This is the way it will be and I shouldn't complain because it could be worse. As I work with my ex I have made the relationship with my son stronger and stronger. She has been great and I have to thank her for that.
When he landed he was happy but sad and emotional that he left me and my heart felt for him. I'm looking forward to the next trip he makes out here. His trip gave me a recharge of life and I love it and I want it again. Got me focused again some how. Maybe because I want to him to be proud and know when he is here all is good. Plus I want to be able to afford for him to come out here again sooner then later. I have the incentives now I just have to execute it which is always the fun part but I will. Despite the fact that the money well is dry I will find a new well some how and take care of him.
When he landed he was happy but sad and emotional that he left me and my heart felt for him. I'm looking forward to the next trip he makes out here. His trip gave me a recharge of life and I love it and I want it again. Got me focused again some how. Maybe because I want to him to be proud and know when he is here all is good. Plus I want to be able to afford for him to come out here again sooner then later. I have the incentives now I just have to execute it which is always the fun part but I will. Despite the fact that the money well is dry I will find a new well some how and take care of him.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Friends and Time
Time passes and so do the people in my life. I guess I should just except it even though I wish I could control. I want to feel like I have my life figured out but as always I'm proven wrong again and again.
To keep friendships in the fresh state is hard either because I choose I don't want to or visa versa. I'm generally what I tend to call a reflective friend. Meaning that I generally put into the friendship whatever the other one does. Some times more while other times less but generally I'm reflective.
The problem I find and time has proven me this over and over again. People settle in and just put the freshness of the relationship on a back burner. Not be a hypocrite I catch myself doing it as well but I still hate it.
In the past few months new friendships have been entering my world, others blossoming and sadly some are just fading into the background. I'm ok with some but not ok with others. That being said I'm excepting it as hard as it may be, its life and I know I will move on.
To end on a happy note I had one person enter my life that I am so happy she did. She has just been a great breath of fresh air and yes it sounds all gay but I don't care ....LOL. She's a friend I want to keep around because like a rare diamond they are hard to come by :)
To keep friendships in the fresh state is hard either because I choose I don't want to or visa versa. I'm generally what I tend to call a reflective friend. Meaning that I generally put into the friendship whatever the other one does. Some times more while other times less but generally I'm reflective.
The problem I find and time has proven me this over and over again. People settle in and just put the freshness of the relationship on a back burner. Not be a hypocrite I catch myself doing it as well but I still hate it.
In the past few months new friendships have been entering my world, others blossoming and sadly some are just fading into the background. I'm ok with some but not ok with others. That being said I'm excepting it as hard as it may be, its life and I know I will move on.
To end on a happy note I had one person enter my life that I am so happy she did. She has just been a great breath of fresh air and yes it sounds all gay but I don't care ....LOL. She's a friend I want to keep around because like a rare diamond they are hard to come by :)
Monday, January 25, 2010
::: It Rains Today :::
t rains today as my smile washes away
Walking in puddles of sadness, the clouds cry.
I look up & see an ugly grey covering today,
The frown of today makes the happiness of before seem like a lie.
I'm reaching point where the smile is aging,
Looking in the mirror my lips are boring.
Am I happy for no reason, sounds debating,
Losing control again this is en raging.
What went wrong that I feel my head slipping,
Who flipped the switch from good to bad?
Who made KM go from happy to sad?
The spark is dying my shirt I'll be ripping.
I study the past few months where everything was right,
Compare it to now but it barley sheds light.
I place my energy on the days of today,
I sit here in silence and try to understand the saddening way.
I come up with the issues I had all along and just a few new ones,
Wonder to myself if I was happy with reason.
Should I laugh at the fool I was or were those happy ones?
I was real happy ... My smile guilty of treason.
It rains today as my smile washes away
Walking in puddles of sadness, the clouds cry.
I look up & see an ugly grey covering today,
The frown of today makes the happiness of before seem like a lie.
Walking in puddles of sadness, the clouds cry.
I look up & see an ugly grey covering today,
The frown of today makes the happiness of before seem like a lie.
I'm reaching point where the smile is aging,
Looking in the mirror my lips are boring.
Am I happy for no reason, sounds debating,
Losing control again this is en raging.
What went wrong that I feel my head slipping,
Who flipped the switch from good to bad?
Who made KM go from happy to sad?
The spark is dying my shirt I'll be ripping.
I study the past few months where everything was right,
Compare it to now but it barley sheds light.
I place my energy on the days of today,
I sit here in silence and try to understand the saddening way.
I come up with the issues I had all along and just a few new ones,
Wonder to myself if I was happy with reason.
Should I laugh at the fool I was or were those happy ones?
I was real happy ... My smile guilty of treason.
It rains today as my smile washes away
Walking in puddles of sadness, the clouds cry.
I look up & see an ugly grey covering today,
The frown of today makes the happiness of before seem like a lie.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Life Changes
Funny how time changes everything. Things that were, aren't anymore, well at least different. That is just the ways of human nature and I include myself in that too. I am fortunate to have so many people in my life that I am exposed to so many ways they interact with others. Like a large science experiment I can watch and monitor how people do what they do and why. It just sucks when you are loving one way of life and one day u wake up and notice something is off. You let it go at first but it starts to eat at you as for the reason why. You come to find out that over time things have changed and of course things won't stay the same because that's just the way life is however you notice how far things have gone. Will it ever be the way it was ... I don't think so but can it go back to the way that will still be great.
In new relationships regardless if its with a boy friend or girlfriend, job, friendship or anything else you have the honeymoon period. Titled that because of how great it is and the feelings you get in return. Once that is over your left with a relationship that will stay strong only if energy and determination is paced into it. It takes both sides to keep the foundation strong and allow the the relationship to shine.
I find myself in a bad position in life because when I'm in a solid relationship with a person, job, etc I put allot into it and expect the same in return and in most cases I don't get the same return. I know I have failed others who invest more then I do so don't claim to always be the best at giving the return. So why do I continue to do what I do ... Well what I generally do after a while I with draw back into my cave where I don't feel like I'm vulnerable to get hurt. Its a defense I use and it's not always the best thing to do but it's where I feel safe.
Life is interesting :)
In new relationships regardless if its with a boy friend or girlfriend, job, friendship or anything else you have the honeymoon period. Titled that because of how great it is and the feelings you get in return. Once that is over your left with a relationship that will stay strong only if energy and determination is paced into it. It takes both sides to keep the foundation strong and allow the the relationship to shine.
I find myself in a bad position in life because when I'm in a solid relationship with a person, job, etc I put allot into it and expect the same in return and in most cases I don't get the same return. I know I have failed others who invest more then I do so don't claim to always be the best at giving the return. So why do I continue to do what I do ... Well what I generally do after a while I with draw back into my cave where I don't feel like I'm vulnerable to get hurt. Its a defense I use and it's not always the best thing to do but it's where I feel safe.
Life is interesting :)
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
I'm Happy
It's been a while since I've been here and I miss this place as cheesy as that may sound. So to give an update to myself and any others that care to read, here it is.
I have been working allot and keeping real busy these days which is both good and a little not good. My roommate and myself are really clicking in a way we never did before. I'm happy, that's right I'm happy. My best friend and I closer and I really can't see not having her in my life. My son is in a good place with his mom and I get along great with her. Can be a bit weird at times but we still get along.
I'm meeting more people, doing more and appreciating life. I hope to have more of these posts in the future ahead of me. :)
- KM
I have been working allot and keeping real busy these days which is both good and a little not good. My roommate and myself are really clicking in a way we never did before. I'm happy, that's right I'm happy. My best friend and I closer and I really can't see not having her in my life. My son is in a good place with his mom and I get along great with her. Can be a bit weird at times but we still get along.
I'm meeting more people, doing more and appreciating life. I hope to have more of these posts in the future ahead of me. :)
- KM
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