::: Pain :::

Pain in my heart
Pain pumps through my blood
How can I part
How can clean my blood

Cut my my throat
Let me bleed
Take it all away, remove my coat
Take some happiness and plant a seed

This is my pain
This is my life
Exit from this lain
Let happiness be my wife.

Music calms me
Drinking helps me
Change will save me
Love will make me

Lost in the fog.

Seems like I'm always coming here when I my life is upside down. Who knows if this is a form of therapy for me or not but it kinda helps.

Lately things seem to be worse and I'm not sure where to even turn. I feel I exhausted all my outlets and I'm running on fumes. No one to talk to or that I feel comfortable enough to talk 100% openly.

My dreams of being free from these problems are fading as well. My mind has allowed the nightmares to take over. Trying to sleep seems like a life for the more fortunate and I can only hope to get back to those nights.

I sign off with little hope but the tears of a child waiting and praying for his time to be free.

-_-

Blah -_-

What’s happening to me? Why is it everything I touch turns to dust?

The financial crisis I’m in, the NYPD dream is pretty much dead. My design career is expired and I work in a warehouse making Mickey Mouse money x_X

My dating life is twisted to say the least. I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing or getting myself into. I’m riding it through because I like her so much. I’m hooked on her because she makes me so happy and all the depressing shit in my life seems like nothing but an itch. She just makes me feel ok and the happiest person in the world.

So what now … who knows I just hope it all gets better.

::: My Heart Cries a Dark Red :::

Still alive yet I feel dead
My heart cries a dark red
Can’t wipe those tears away
I hold my heart and pray.


Muscles tense, blood filed with hurt
Nothing to hold, hands filled with dirt
Eyes scanning for hope as they flood with tears
History shows pain after all these years.


I try to control the war in my head
wanting to run, feet feel like lead
Thoughts running wild,
wishing I can be free, …be a child.


Hating myself for feeling this way
These were my choices, I now pay
Trying to dissect these emotions
Why surprised this is no revelation.


Cut me, I want to feel alive
looking for life’s keys, let me drive
bleed from my skin and not my heart
Life, pain and love, help me set them apart.


Tomorrow, we all say is another day
Done with feeling sad and being gray
I need a fresh start, passed this shit pile
Fight it will be to move forward with a smile.


Still alive yet I feel dead
My heart cries a dark red
Can’t wipe those tears away
I hold my heart and pray.

Burning Ass ...LOL

It's funny how life leads you down a winding road with few warning. We try to prepare for it but it doesnt seem to always work out so were told to make the best of it. Easier said then done. My boss quotes his dad "just because his ass is burning, doesnt make my burning ass feel better". Such a true statement.

Set Free

I don't know if I'm ready but I'm going to do it. I'm going to let them be free or I should really I'm going to set my self free from them.

For a long time now I have had this protective or whatever it may be over them. As a result I feel stupid about it. I assume others have said it but now I'm ready or almost ready to say goodbye to this hold I have.

Writing this alone feels liberating and I hope I can follow through with it :)

::: Devil in the Walls :::

Darkness has covered the sky

My mind has retired with the sun

Clock ticks, seconds pass by

Feel stuck in place, wishing I could run

Hoping it’s a dream yet it’s not

Devil in the walls of my room

Blanket around me, stomach in a knot

The feeling of laying in my own tomb

I may be a man yet I fear like a child

Sit up and curl into the darkness

My thoughts drugged, running wild

Seems like this life is hopeless

My life is heading in the black hole

I scream but no sound comes out

The devil laughs, eyes glowing red coals

Seeing tomorrows sun …I now do doubt

Dark shadows moving in the dark

Kill me if you want, you wont take soul

Yet I feel death circling like a shark

Is this the end …. The last toll?

I say good bye

I hold you in my heart

I wont cry, I’m ready to die

I will miss you but my soul will never part.