Burning Ass ...LOL

It's funny how life leads you down a winding road with few warning. We try to prepare for it but it doesnt seem to always work out so were told to make the best of it. Easier said then done. My boss quotes his dad "just because his ass is burning, doesnt make my burning ass feel better". Such a true statement.

Set Free

I don't know if I'm ready but I'm going to do it. I'm going to let them be free or I should really I'm going to set my self free from them.

For a long time now I have had this protective or whatever it may be over them. As a result I feel stupid about it. I assume others have said it but now I'm ready or almost ready to say goodbye to this hold I have.

Writing this alone feels liberating and I hope I can follow through with it :)

::: Devil in the Walls :::

Darkness has covered the sky

My mind has retired with the sun

Clock ticks, seconds pass by

Feel stuck in place, wishing I could run

Hoping it’s a dream yet it’s not

Devil in the walls of my room

Blanket around me, stomach in a knot

The feeling of laying in my own tomb

I may be a man yet I fear like a child

Sit up and curl into the darkness

My thoughts drugged, running wild

Seems like this life is hopeless

My life is heading in the black hole

I scream but no sound comes out

The devil laughs, eyes glowing red coals

Seeing tomorrows sun …I now do doubt

Dark shadows moving in the dark

Kill me if you want, you wont take soul

Yet I feel death circling like a shark

Is this the end …. The last toll?

I say good bye

I hold you in my heart

I wont cry, I’m ready to die

I will miss you but my soul will never part.

Lost in the world

The more and more that I try to understand myself the more confused I get. I try so hard to understand why I'm doing and acting this way and I get more confused. I can't help but just wish I could go back to the world of me bottling up everything and being fake with the myself and the world.

I have so many issues that it's scaring me to a whole new level. I continue to think that I should move to Chicago to get away from this all. If only I can get the courage to do so. I just want to start over and I know if I move I would have no choice but to do that. I feel like everything I touch is crumbling around me and I remain standing as I witness the destruction. From my career to my love life, my friends and family and everything I just can't help but believe that I failed. As a result my insecurities are on over drive and making me a act and feel in ways I never used too.

What do I do? Who do I talk too? I'm stuck because I'm just embarrassed talking about most of my issues and I don't anyone can truly understand me. My tongue is tied with emotion. It's so frustrating and I just want it to get better before it gets worse. Everyone would tell me that I have to fix it but I don't know how or I'm just that bad at taking charge of my own life. Can I blame anyone but myself? I guess not though even if I could would it make a difference or change anything? Of course not.

I can have a great time like I did this past weekend but wake the day after down because its over. Not really explaining it well but almost like after such a great high it followed by a downer.

I'm changing for the worse and I don't know how to get control of the reins of the horse that is my emotions.

I sit here in my bed feeling so frustrated and angry at myself. I want to just let all this bull shit out but I can't. Why? Because like I said before it wont change the situation just make it worse because I will sound crazy. Oh well tomorrow is another day that I will find time to think and dissect myself and see what other issues I may have.

I feel like crying as gay as that may sound but it's true but then I think about it and I know it wont help me in any way, shape or form. So I laugh like I do best.

::: No Trust :::

Who am I?
Who are they?
Is it one lie?
Are they what they say?

Blinded by my heart
My eyes are useless
My choices are art
Art of a drunk mess

They act one way
To your face another
Trust changing from day to day
Music of my life couldn't be farther.

How do I go on
How do I face tomorrow
When lies of the past days dawn
Confuses the sunset that follows.

Is it me? Am I lost in the mist?
Which path do I take? Either way I pay a toll.
Take a blade, slit my wrist
Blood dripping or just pain pouring from my soul

I hate what realty has done
Trust blown away in the storm
Looks like the devil won
When will my trust be reborn

I end this for its hard to continue
This chapter will close with rain
next chapter the sky is blue
No clouds, no storm just free of pain.

::: Butterfly :::

I found this butterfly almost two years ago
she was so pretty and cute and wanted her forever.
I placed her in a jar and her aura did glow
this was my butterfly ... let her go? NEVER.

All I wanted was to be a butterfly with her
fly from here to there and let our wings dance all night.
See what she sees, taste what she tastes along side her
so I dreamed at night, day dreamed all day of how to make us right.

Hours into days, sunsets into nights
time continued to fly by.
I did whatever I could to make wrongs into rights
Make her feel the way she made me smile ...no lie.

Reality of course is not one that ends right
this butterfly had to be set free
She knew it, I knew she was right
beauty of earth waiting for her to see.

Off she went to a world filled with happiness and heart break
I stayed back in my world, observing from a distance
reminiscing of the great times we shared and new ones we'll make
watching her fly and dance in the sun, no resistance.

Amazing is this butterfly and best friends are we
despite the fact she isn't mine
This is her world and she must be free to see
When she comes by priceless is our time

I can't help to always want to protect her
be there for her and shelter her from the rain
Dry off her wings and chase away that can hurt her
Though she must discover the world on her own, the happiness and the pain.

I must accept the truth for in the end I only hurt myself
letting go just isn't easy these days.
perhaps I'm selfish to want to keep the butterfly for myself
learn to love but let go in the worlds complicated maze.

This isn't a good bye
just my thoughts written in a rhyme
love one another, we all die
Share your love but set free your butterflies when its the right time.

No trust any more.

It never amazes me any more of the dog eat dog world we live in. People come to you with a problem and you feel bad for them. Take a step back and they are doing the same thing that someone is doing to them to you. So what do you say and better yet how do you trust .... More and more I find myself closing up to everyone around me. How can you trust anymore?

Yes I'm speaking vague but this is about me so I know what I'm talking about. Bottom line, your friends are fucks just like your enemies. However your enemies are out to fuck you over but you know it. Your friends do it behind your back.

In conclusion, man the fuck up amd just say what's on your mind. If I don't like it fine but at the very least your being honest. Doing it behind my back just makes so much more annoyed and push you away from me.

Fuck me for believing in others and giving the benefit of the doubt