Understanding Me

Thinking way to much these days,

Finally making some headway.

I try to be honest with myself as much as possible despite how much it sucks at times. This past weekend I realized new things about me. About the people around me and what I should do however I know it's easier said then done.

I'm aware now how insecure I am these days ... I always was but it explained a few things to me. I see why I was feeling more insecure and it hit me like a smack to the back of my head. My head like a rubix cube was finally another step closer to figuring out who I am.

The sun came out behind the clouds to expose more reality. So now I'm running wild on some BS but the point in this whole discovery ...LOL. I have to be strong and focus on me and leave Mr. Nice guy home. Be responsible and get shit together.

How to get in order is what I have to figure out. Crawl, walk then run as they say, so I will see how it goes. As I crawl and take it slow I willhope that I make right decisions that benifit ME despite it hurts others. I have just been trying to take care of the world, well the people around me and as a result been killing myself. If I continue in my old ways I will gone not able to help anyone.

Not Spanish

I have been trying to avoid the fact that I am Spanish in the sense that I love it so much and I dont want to. I dont want to because I cant fit in as much as I try that I just gave up. That being said I love the Spanish culture and its killing me as I find myself as an outsider :(

So what do I do I do from where I stand. I have no clue but I will hang in there as much as possible. Just sucks.

Good people in this world too

The other day I went to do my taxes. I decided to go to H&R Block because their price was so cheap ($70) in comparison to my regular accountant I used forever ($125). With little to no money every cent counts so I did just that.

I sit down and do the taxes and before I knew it we were done and I was just happy I did it it was finally out of my hair. In fact i was going to get back after all is said and done around $1000! Ok so Mr. James was cool as hell the whole time BSing with me and then he clicks the mouse. "So your balance is $188 Sam". Like getting hit with a bat to my happiness I swallowed all the joy I just had. I told him that the sign by the front said it would be $29 for state and $39 for federal and my taxes couldn't be simpilar. I didn't work all year I mean seriously WTF!

Chalk this up to a huge waste of my time and accepting the fact that I will have to pay $125 to my regular accountant IF I can get an appointment. I pleaded and explaind to him that the only reason I went there in the first place was because of the price and my regular accountant did mine for $125. He did it for me and my ex and that was a way more complicated in H&R world then my 1 page W2 from unemployment. He agrees with me but sadly says this is the price. He gets up to see if he can do anything about it.

He comes back and and he tells me "I spoke to the manager and it was $188 but now it will be less". I see on his screen $20 pop in under the $188 so in my head I'm thinking great he got $20 off the tab. I still only had $80 in my pocket which sucked either way. So I ask him "so how much?" and he says $20. "What do you mean $20? $20 dollars off?" I asked. "No the whole bill is only $20".

I was shocked and motionless I mean $20 is just crazy. He then explained to me that H&R Block has a friend and family plan for their own accountants and they may do their friends and family for $20 which he makes $0 I think. I was so thankful he did that for a complete stranger and that he believed in me that yes I was truly broke. You just don't meet people like that but when you do your taken by suprise.

So that was that, I tipped him $20 so it cost me $40 in total and I just had to share this to give hope to others. Hope in others that there are good people out there and to encourage yourselfs to help others like I was helped.

Makes me feel all fuzzy inside ...LOL :)

A-Boooooo

Talking with my mom just reminded me of how much of a mess my life is according to her and not far from the mess I believe I'm in. We were talking about relationships and the bullshit involved which in return of course brought up to my head of the hard time I am having. Every girl I have liked in the past few years has been a waste of my time. They never like me the way I like them and at most they wish to remain "friends" with me. It is the life I lead and it just leaves me with a sadness inside me but whatever.

I hate how I feel but I have no choice but to just move on and deal with it a-booooo.

30 was yesterday

In a few days I will be 31 years old and I can't help but look back at the past year. Interesting it was, with many ups and downs. As bad as the downs were the ups were way amazing making me want to go on and look for the next day and forgetting the bad ones.

This past Saturday night I through my party and had an amazing time. My best friend was there which was awesome especially because I couldn't but worry that she wouldn't be able to get in. So many of my friends came and it meant allot to me to see the support I have in my life. The party went off with a bang and didn't stop until the lights when on. It was another party I had that I will always remember.

Of course I'm not here just to blab about my silly party but because that night as I closed my eyes my head began to spin. Lucky for me I fell asleep before it got crazy however when I woke up I was feeling weird. As I lay in my bed I was thinking and diagnosing what the issue was. I mean how can there be an issue when I just partied so much and had a great night. After a bit more poking around I realized what it was and with my luck it was something that used to haunt me.

I was lonely ....

Despite how good I felt with having all these great people around me they still weren't part of me. What I mean is simply, I am all alone as I close my eyes and when I wake up. There are people in my ife that fill that void to an extent but not enough to keep the loneliness away.

As I discovered that this was the root of my reality it became depressingly clear that I was still single. I mean not that it was some type of shattering news but the feeling of being all alone I guess is magnetized on important times in your life like your birthday. Sleep alone, wake up alone and acknowledge that your alone. So break out the violin if you like ...LOL but it was really casting a shadow over me and it just made me feel really down. I know its life but it can just sting more on some days more so than others.

Happy Birthday To Me ....Boooooo

Far Apart

He came and it was if a missing piece was found and put back in the right spot. Yet the stay itself was just a few days and before I knew it I was sending him back on the plane to his mom. This is the way it will be and I shouldn't complain because it could be worse. As I work with my ex I have made the relationship with my son stronger and stronger. She has been great and I have to thank her for that.

When he landed he was happy but sad and emotional that he left me and my heart felt for him. I'm looking forward to the next trip he makes out here. His trip gave me a recharge of life and I love it and I want it again. Got me focused again some how. Maybe because I want to him to be proud and know when he is here all is good. Plus I want to be able to afford for him to come out here again sooner then later. I have the incentives now I just have to execute it which is always the fun part but I will. Despite the fact that the money well is dry I will find a new well some how and take care of him.

Friends and Time

Time passes and so do the people in my life. I guess I should just except it even though I wish I could control. I want to feel like I have my life figured out but as always I'm proven wrong again and again.

To keep friendships in the fresh state is hard either because I choose I don't want to or visa versa. I'm generally what I tend to call a reflective friend. Meaning that I generally put into the friendship whatever the other one does. Some times more while other times less but generally I'm reflective.

The problem I find and time has proven me this over and over again. People settle in and just put the freshness of the relationship on a back burner. Not be a hypocrite I catch myself doing it as well but I still hate it.

In the past few months new friendships have been entering my world, others blossoming and sadly some are just fading into the background. I'm ok with some but not ok with others. That being said I'm excepting it as hard as it may be, its life and I know I will move on.

To end on a happy note I had one person enter my life that I am so happy she did. She has just been a great breath of fresh air and yes it sounds all gay but I don't care ....LOL. She's a friend I want to keep around because like a rare diamond they are hard to come by :)