Who Knows Anymore

So it's almost 5 and so much on my mind.
I can't seem to make sense of many things around me.
The good things to the bad things in my life.
Trying to understand the people in my life, why they do what they do.
I want to I just can't seem to place the puzzle pieces together.

I started writing earlier these thoughts but only got so far.
I was so drained both mentally and physically I even passed out for a bit.
I woke up to people coming home and when I went back to my writing I decided to stop.
I stopped because the feelings going through me changed and weren't as strong ...or were they.
In any event my mind runs wild with a lack of explanations but I just except it.

Why is my future so troubled with storms in the distance,
why is the present so full of confusion and uncertainty.
Why does my past leave a path filled with mistakes and few positives.

I hate this! I'm told I'm a door mat, too nice and that I will be taken advantage of. Will I? The past totally shows that yet I continue to be me as much as being me sucks. I give forth such hope into the people around me and only look for their positives ... I find their negatives eventually and at that point it's to late, I'm in too deep. Why do I waste my time if in the end I will probably be disappointed in the end. My gut tells me one thing while my heart another.

I want to go away .... far away from my life. To much pain and not enough happiness and love.
Call me what you will but the direction I'm going these days ....
looks like luck would need to be by my side 95% of the time.
Who are my true friends, the real friends that will stand by me the way I would for them.
So many say they will do this and that yet in the end only a few stand tall.
I question why I love my friends because the more I do the more attached I get and the more I care. The more I care the more I get frustrated .... I don't know any more OMG this is all to much.

It's 5:23 now and she cries in the other room. I hate this, I don't want her to hurt, feel pain or the shit that gets thrown around from day to day. I sleep alone tonight because she will go and comfort her as I hope she can and help with the bullshit.

So now I sit on my bed in a empty room as the music plays in the background ....bad very bad. I hate being alone. my mind running wild.

The sun is rising to another day ... what will be today how will my feelings invisibly show today. Will I smile or cry invisible tears? Will I feel good or will the anger and frustration pump through my veins? Who knows